9 posts tagged “thoughts”

Summer can go a few ways. I could be productive, and do all the things I know I want to, like do some deep cleaning and throw a bunch of my crap away, or I can do the thing I should and get a job and start saving money, or I can do the thing I've done the past summers - which is absolutely nothing. Every summer is the same. I lounge around, cut myself off from society, play computer games, read books, write, and eat. And every summer I gain a bunch of weight and come back to school just as socially awkward as I was at the beginning of last year.

It terrifies me to think I'll gain even more weight, most of all. I could care less about anything else, but you have no idea how terrible it is to look at old photographs and think of how easy it was to get from there to here. It feels like it's impossible to change myself, now, like I'll always just be the chubby one. It's not like I have a huge problem with being a little fat, but I know that I could easily feel so much better if I was just 10 or 15 pounds less.

It's inertia, though. I'm so stuck on this path of staying inside, being lazy, eating crap, and hating myself for it, that it's hard to change. It's like the choice between rolling a boulder downhill or pushing it uphill. It would take a lot of self-motivation and help from others to roll it up. I've directly asked people to help me, and even though they go "sure!" the next day they've totally forgotten about anything but their own problems. I hate it.

Ugh. I hate this. Fuck summer, fuck this. I want to be at college, doing shit. I don't want to get a fucking job when I'm moving away in two months. By the time Ben Franklin's calls me back I'll be in fucking college, I guarantee it. ARGH. I'm so pissed. I hate this. I want to work at a fish store, or a dog groomers, or somewhere I actually like and can stay and make bonds and commitments. I want to be with my family, with my cousins, who will hang out with me more than once a month. I really miss those days when having a best friend really meant that - someone you hang out with every single day, tell all your secrets to, know everything about. Not someone who might take you on errands with them once a week.

I'm really tempted to move up to Arcata over the summer now. The only thing I think I'd actually miss is the pond, because I'm a bitch. Wow. It's such a good idea. Once I get my laptop, I really want to. If I could find a job there, that would be so sick. I could be free!

I started this post okay, and then I just tumbled into illiteracy. Blah.

So today, while my computer was going through one of its regular temper tantrums, I stepped back and started to look through my top dresser. You see, it's been this weird tradition of mine since I was little to have my top dresser just be a mini treasure chest of random items. It used to be a potpourri of toys, but recently I dumped everything childhood and filled it up again with a bunch of paper. Some with meaning, some completely blank.. A lot of my letters from college, report cards, test scores. I actually unearthed a gigantic Harry Potter poster, as well as my favorite book in the world, Harold and the Purple Crayon. I also found my journal from freshman year and the yellow one that I failed to complete sophomore/junior year.

It's strange to see how much I've changed. I mean, it's easy to see it in pictures, but it's hard to grasp how I've changed as a person. I don't know whether to feel good about it or not. I experienced so much more, then. My ups and downs were much more vivid - nowadays I tend to experience no radical ups or downs, everything is just okay.

So I really want to start writing stuff in my journal again. Maybe I'll do a combo written/photo journal..

Oh, and in other news, Big Brown didn't win the triple crown. It's funny because this black horse with some Indian name bolts out of the gate, gets 1st place within two seconds, and no one can touch him after that. Of course, though, all the focus goes to Big Brown. People are expecting a lame leg or something, but really, Big Brown was just having a bad day.

So I just watched the Preakness, and Big Brown won. He also won the Kentucky Derby, and both times it looked so easy for that horse. Unless he breaks his leg or something tragic, I think he'll become a triple crowner. The only horse I think could've challenged him was Eight Belles. She got second place and finished the race fine, but it was after she'd crossed the wire that she broke both of her front ankles. They euthanized her at the track. It's terrible, but when a horse breaks one leg it's hard enough to get them better. When they break two.. I can understand why they would just want to put her out of her pain now, especially after all the sadness with Barbaro and whatnot.

What's funny is while everyone wants Big Brown to be the triple crowner, I'm ready for an upset. I want the horse named after the teacher in Sleepy Hollow to charge up and take that upset win. I'm just morbid like that. I love the plot twist of it, like when a character dies in a show or when books don't have happily-ever-after endings. I couldn't tell you what it is. I'm just an evil person. Looking at me, I don't think anyone could guess how much being content bores me to tears. If you're going to feel something, whether it's good or bad, it's best felt at extremes. That's how I see it, anyways.

I really like my alone time. I love to sit in my car and just listen to music, or take long drives and just listen to music, or just go out and find some secluded place and sit there and listen to the wind. I love it because I don't do it for anyone but myself. It's different than going on the internet alone, or reading a book alone, because when I'm reading about characters or chatting or playing games, it's not really the same.

Today was the last day of the play. We strike the set tomorrow, and I'm glad. I don't really care for drama, and while I liked the musicals, I wasn't even very attached to those. After curtain call though, we were all just standing around and everyone was hugging and getting flowers.. I hate that time, and I usually make myself as busy as I can cleaning up so I can avoid the obvious lack of love for me in that crowd, but with drama there isn't much to do. Ryan came up to me after the show tonight and he gave me a hug, and it was so kind of him because it wasn't like one of those awkward crowd situations where he was kind of obligated to hug everyone.

I don't know if it was completely random or if he knew I was feeling down, but it was still nice. It's kind of frustrating how it's so easy for me to lie nowadays. I mean, sometimes when I'm lying about something funny I can't help but smile, but when it comes to my thoughts and my feelings I feel like the biggest faker in the world. Yeah, yeah, the world doesn't revolve around me, but I wish I could at least feel like I actually had my feet on this world. Sometimes I just feel like a ghost. I don't stand out, I don't make an impression, people don't know who I am. I never really get compliments.

In the end, it's always just me. I can't see myself having a life where I have lots of solid friends, or a family. The only thing I can see for sure being in the future is me, with my hobbies, and my thoughts. At least I'm the kind of person who can do okay on only that much.

I'm getting myself really depressed now. I'm just gonna go to bed. Screw school tomorrow, seriously.

If I wanted, I could have a date to prom. I was talking to Jessie today and she just couldn't imagine going without a date - even if she had to go with some strange, quiet boy. I know a few people I could've have asked and that might've said yes. There was one underclassmen who, when he heard I didn't have a date, said "I'd ask you if I could." And I was just like "Awh..............." Cue awkward silence. I just can't take things so lightly. This underclassman, he's a wonderful kid and I love him to death, but I don't really know him.

I just think it would be weird. I mean, why do I even deserve a date? Why the hell does anyone like me? It baffles me day to day when someone will out of the blue invites me somewhere. I really treat the people in my life like shit sometimes. I don't keep in touch, I forget to write thank you cards, and even when I really care about someone I'm too fucking scared to say anything about it. I used to really admire people who were "strong," which were basically emotionless, stone-people if you will.. but nowadays the people I really admire are the ones who cry in public, say what they feel, and fight for what they care about even if they look like the biggest idiots in the world doing it.

I'm really curious as to how I appear to other people. Once a few years ago someone told me I was intimidating, and I've never forgotten it. I'd rather be intimidating than just a shy loser, so I try to hold onto that one little comment and convince myself. Caitlin told me that before she knew me she thought I was going to be a weirdo. I was like uh, and how did meeting me disprove that at all?

Oh, okay, funny story.

Today I took allergy medicine before school, and when I got to English I was like about to die from how tired I was. I thought maybe it had to do with only getting 4 1/2 hours of sleep the night before, but even then I've never been this tired before. Like, I was sitting there trying really hard to listen to Berb because he was talking about AP test stuff, but I couldn't even keep my eyes open. It was really scary. Like, uncontrollable, almost.

So I came home early because on top of that I was really dizzy and didn't want to sit through a bunch of classes we weren't going to do anything in, and when I got home my mom said, "Dad says you've been staying up really late. If you can't get to sleep, you should just take some of those chewable allergy pills to help you sleep." I was like WHAT. THEY WERE NIGHT TIME. I should probably ask for help from someone who can actually read next time I overdose on children's medication, I think.

So yeah. I haven't really had a lot to post about.. I've sort of adopted my brother's neglected Gameboy Advance recently, because he's too cool for school and too cool to play Pokemon Emerald anymore. Seriously, fuck what people think. That game rocks. And having something to do during drama rehearsal is pretty awesome, too. ;D

Today Ms Mo asked if I'd be art club president in the case that Lizzie decides not to do it anymore. I only know that Lizzie and her haven't really been getting along for some reason. It seems like the reasons for the conflict are different on either side, but then again I don't know all that much and am not too interested in getting tangled up in it. I had a feeling that it would come to something like this, and a few times I wondered if I should just call an art meeting myself so we can actually get some things done, but that might have crossed boundaries that would get me tangled in that drama.

I can't tell you why she asked me. Ms Mo never gave me the impression that she really liked me. I don't think she really realizes how much I am trying in that class, because me trying is about the same as a normal person not doing anything. When people say nice things too much, it begins to seem fake, and that's the feeling I get from her sometimes. I don't know whether she likes me for me or whether she just wants to like me, wants to find a friend in me but keeps getting stopped by my lack of conversation skills.
 
Where do people get the idea that I'm fit to be a leader? I walk around with my eyes on the ground and my brain in the clouds and I don't say hi all the time, I'm disorganized and often lazy too, but every now and then someone walks out of the blue and asks me to be a stage manager or an art club president. I don't think I even look like a leader - some people kind of just have that look, you know? I just look like I don't see enough sun or know which end of a hairbrush to hold.

I can count my redeeming qualities on one hand, and that's on a good day, so sometimes I don't really know why I'm as lucky in life as I am. I guess it's all about timing. I'm just there, I'm always just around without really a purpose, so people can use me like a blank canvass for whatever they need at the moment. And that's who I am, just a bunch of paintings made by other people. I don't know how I feel about that.

Today my mom was saying Boomer's not smart anymore because he doesn't hunt mice as much. "Just because he's lazy doesn't mean he's stupid, Mom," I said. The smartest people in the world can also be the laziest people in the world, because they're clever enough to know how to get by without hardly any effort.

"Yeah, but he's not sharp anymore. He used to be so sharp," she said.

And that got me thinking. I mean, if I was Boomer, I'd get tired of bringing home kills every night when all we did was throw it over the fence afterwards. And even if we did, for some reason, enjoy the many dead rodents and birds on our back porch, is that enough to remain an inspired hunter?

The world moves so fast. Everything is about due dates and getting stuff done, and we're all trying to work harder and faster and be more efficient and better and sharper. But why? What good is that at all? Everyone has this list of things they 'have' to do, and it's all connected. Have to get to school on time, have to get that A in math, have to get into that college, have to get that Masters degree, have to get that job, that spouse, that house, that family. But WHY? What the hell is the god damned difference if I get my degree when I'm twenty than when I'm thirty? Why are we rushing rushing rushing to get all these things done that you "have" to?

To get the most amount of "things I've done" on your stupid list of life when it's all over? Is that the fucking purpose of life? I'll shoot myself if that's all it's about - having more stuff and meaningless accomplishments than your neighbor. It's this big, stupid pointless race. Is anyone in it because they want to be? I mean really, really want to be? There's a difference between wanting the trophy at the end and wanting to run a race.

So maybe there are people out there who enjoy things at a faster rate. People who run for the race, but they break records every time. And so what do the people who can't keep up do? What happens when you can't qualify for any of the races you want to run now because of these sprinters? What happens is people lose passion. They can't do what they love, and so what do they do instead? They stop feeling and they start thinking. They do what they think they "have" to, instead of doing what they know they want to.

I don't want to live in this world anymore. It feels like I'm running a race, but I don't want to. I feel like I have to win that god damn medal at the end to do what I want. But I'm not running, I'm being dragged, kicking and screaming, by my other half, the one who cares what people think of me and cringes when I get another bad mark on a test. I think that other half of me is dying. The real me is winning. I stopped caring. Bio, math, english, just fuck it. I do what I want. I'm sick and tired of living for tomorrow - I'm going to live for today and the rest of the world can fuck themselves.

So I've been thinking again. Me and my silly brain, I know.

And really, I don't think what most people call beautiful is true blue beauty. I mean, you look at a picture of a waterfall or a cherry blossom tree in the wind and you think that yes, that's beautiful, but it's such a shallow feeling. You see the tree for its pretty petals and you appreciate it for that, but you forget the rest of it. You forget the roots yards deep into the ground, you forget that the flowers will later become a small, insignificant drupe, you forget the birds that might have nested in that tree and the people who've had to rake up all its petals and leaves. You forget that it's a living thing, surviving in a world where movement is generally a vital survival aspect.

I don't think real beauty is the kind you can see. You just kind of feel it. And I think real beauty is a shy essence, and that it takes a lot to really bring the real beauty of something out into the open so you can appreciate it. It's like in photography, you can take a picture of a Sakura tree and the springtime petals might dazzle, but you're missing its real beauty. It's difficult to find just the right angle, just the right distance from something to really show that deeper bit. And that's with a tree - imagine trying to capture that in a person. I have a real admiration of people who can photograph humankind well. It's not just point and click.

Today we were talking about prom in Econ and I actually started to get a little excited. Cheyenne is so organized and on that shit, it's amazing. In the beginning I was apprehensive about not being able to enjoy myself because I won't have a date, but it's not really that bad now that I think about it. I'm just going to have a good time anyways. Fuck guys, just fuck guys, let's just dance! (Dane Cook reference. I actually hate dancing.)

After school I went on a photo shoot with Elliot and Zach, and it was cool. We took the back roads to Petaluma and after I dropped them off at fencing I drove back through the back roads by myself and it was really relaxing. I love driving. Especially on curvy roads through the hills and forests. There's nothing better.

Something I never really thought about was a life without having children. Everyone seems to just assume that the only life path is to get a good job, get married, and get pregnant and raise a family. I don't know why it just hit me today, but it did, and it feels like a really big weight off my shoulders. I don't think I could give up so much of my time, money, love, and effort to someone who (based on the events of me and my parents as well as my parents and their parents) won't even truly appreciate the effort and probably won't even really connect deeply until long after they've gone off to college and started their own lives.

There's a whole world out there that I could explore, and I don't have to wait for anyone. I'd love to get involved in a lifestyle like that, where I make enough money to live comfortably and travel and learn and do new things all the time with people I know and love because we connect on a personal level and not because they came out of my vagina.

It's a strange thought, but I love it. It questions my very existence, yet the promise of a future life of better quality seems more sure under the idea of being child free. If there's one thing I've learned, it's not to depend on people. People are human, they make mistakes, they can't read your mind, and they let you down one way or another. And while good bonds are not easy to find, they're not so impossible that you absolutely have to create new humans entirely to quench your craving to love and be loved. Why invest so much time and money when your children might only let you down?

You'd think that people signing their life away for at least eighteen years would think a little more about it, but society is amazing in its ability to throw a hissy fit over 2 cent changes in gas prices while popping out baby after baby (that on average cost parents $250,000 each) with little thoughts of the repercussions.

Anyways, who knows. I'm pretty good at doing the sorts of things that people wouldn't really expect of me.