3 posts tagged “stupidity”

It's over, once and for all. I am free as a bird, and I can finally turn my back on high school.

Safe grad was alright.. Sort of like a quieter, closer version of the Disneyland trip, just because I got to experience the same sleepy headaches. I promised like three people I'd go to their grad parties today, and then I just didn't go.. and I feel really bad, but I know I would feel worse if I tried to drive somewhere loud and people talking and too much food. I just feel like crap, inside and out.

Anyways, I can't even remember what else I was going to write about. I'm gonna pass out.

I have the ability to be completely infuriated with my school and yet too lax to really care whatsoever. It's kind of like superheated water. The temperature is enough to boil, but it just sits there smooth and innocent looking, because there's no friction in the container to allow the bubbles to form for it to boil.

I might not get to graduate, because I might end up losing credit in Berb's class for all my truancies. Something inside me said I should maybe feel a bit panicked, or worried, but I just kind of laughed. I mean, kids who got straight Ds and drank themselves drooling dumb every week end get to graduate, but a goody-two-shoes girl has to go to summer school because her fucked up school system is jinking her credits because her parents can never manage to call her in sick when she is? It's ridiculous. All I can do is laugh. It might be kind of fun to go to graduation just to watch, just to see how people react when I'm sitting with the audience and not wearing the hideous golden tablecloth my parents paid $30 for.

What's great is I had no idea. My mom showed me a paper saying I had three truancies, and the date was May 5th. I know I've skipped school since then, not including senior ditch day, and so it's not hard for me to believe that I've earned the five truancies to get to lose my credits. So, the attendance office has the time to call me down and say how I shouldn't leave without coming in and saying goodbye because it's such a big scary world out there I might die driving home and they might actually have to be responsible for something. I can totally understand how IMPORTANT that is, I mean especially compared to such unimportant things like whether I can graduate or whether I can go to college next year. So, of course, no need to call me down to the office to warn me about silly things like that.

On top of that, teachers are giving out homework still and I can't do it. I can't even bring myself to copy homework from other people anymore. It just doesn't matter to me anymore. Nothing does - but high school is definitely lower on the list. I know I should care, and I'm a little worried about how I really don't care, but nothing's going to change. If San Marin is going to be the one to pull the plug on my life and throw me for some forced changes, so be it. It has to happen sooner or later. Obviously I'm beyond self-improvement, so it's probably going to take some near-death experience to get me to give a shit at this point.

In happier news, Andre got two Robo dwarf hamsters today. They're are the stupidest, most adorable things you'll ever see. There's a fat one named Penny and a skinny one named Melly, who's completely obsessed with the wheel. She hasn't gotten off of it since we put her in the cage.

If I wanted, I could have a date to prom. I was talking to Jessie today and she just couldn't imagine going without a date - even if she had to go with some strange, quiet boy. I know a few people I could've have asked and that might've said yes. There was one underclassmen who, when he heard I didn't have a date, said "I'd ask you if I could." And I was just like "Awh..............." Cue awkward silence. I just can't take things so lightly. This underclassman, he's a wonderful kid and I love him to death, but I don't really know him.

I just think it would be weird. I mean, why do I even deserve a date? Why the hell does anyone like me? It baffles me day to day when someone will out of the blue invites me somewhere. I really treat the people in my life like shit sometimes. I don't keep in touch, I forget to write thank you cards, and even when I really care about someone I'm too fucking scared to say anything about it. I used to really admire people who were "strong," which were basically emotionless, stone-people if you will.. but nowadays the people I really admire are the ones who cry in public, say what they feel, and fight for what they care about even if they look like the biggest idiots in the world doing it.

I'm really curious as to how I appear to other people. Once a few years ago someone told me I was intimidating, and I've never forgotten it. I'd rather be intimidating than just a shy loser, so I try to hold onto that one little comment and convince myself. Caitlin told me that before she knew me she thought I was going to be a weirdo. I was like uh, and how did meeting me disprove that at all?

Oh, okay, funny story.

Today I took allergy medicine before school, and when I got to English I was like about to die from how tired I was. I thought maybe it had to do with only getting 4 1/2 hours of sleep the night before, but even then I've never been this tired before. Like, I was sitting there trying really hard to listen to Berb because he was talking about AP test stuff, but I couldn't even keep my eyes open. It was really scary. Like, uncontrollable, almost.

So I came home early because on top of that I was really dizzy and didn't want to sit through a bunch of classes we weren't going to do anything in, and when I got home my mom said, "Dad says you've been staying up really late. If you can't get to sleep, you should just take some of those chewable allergy pills to help you sleep." I was like WHAT. THEY WERE NIGHT TIME. I should probably ask for help from someone who can actually read next time I overdose on children's medication, I think.

So yeah. I haven't really had a lot to post about.. I've sort of adopted my brother's neglected Gameboy Advance recently, because he's too cool for school and too cool to play Pokemon Emerald anymore. Seriously, fuck what people think. That game rocks. And having something to do during drama rehearsal is pretty awesome, too. ;D