6 posts tagged “society”

08 When The Day Met The Night

Panic at the Disco

So, summer is amazing. I'm finally, completely free. I don't have a job, and I don't think Ben Franklin's is ever going to call me back, but whatever.. I'm turning out just like my dad, a lazy hermit, but I can't find the will to care. Who gives a crap if all I do is sit around everyday? I still am writing and doing my typical constant research about random topics, so it's not the same as people who just watch tv all day. Most of my hobbies are fairly intellectual, so I don't feel that bad when I use all of my time on them.

I'm basically just waiting. Part of me thinks that waiting is stupid, that I should go out and sieze the day, live life, love, laugh.. but the dominant part knows that that doesn't always work. Pretending like you're enjoying yourself can definitely help a gloomy mood, but it can't make you like your shitty town anymore than you already do. I can't be passionate about living when I don't like the life I'm in, especially so when I know a life I will enjoy more is on its way.

I've settled to wait. I'm content to just relax and enjoy it. I don't know why I was so rushed to get a job, those few weeks ago. Why did I want a job? Money. Why did I want money? Material items. And what good are those in the end? You buy objects to own them, but in the end they are the ones that own you. I can be happy with what I have, and I am. I don't need to get a job, my parents will still take care of me for now. I'll find something in Arcata or Eureka, but until then I'm going to enjoy these times when I can be completely unemployed and not have to care about it at all.

In other news, I downloaded the new album by Panic at the Disco, and was very surprised by it. It doesn't sound like them at all. I actually went and looked it up to make sure this wasn't some imposter band that I'd downloaded. It's so.. weird. It sounds much more mature, but I can't figure out whether or not it's their doing or their label's doing. I uploaded the song that's most caught my adoration right now - when the day met the night. It's actually really sweet, where the sun and the moon represent two people falling in love. And I think it matches this post well. And Maria, I don't care what you think.. lol. Panic at the Disco is different now! They took the '!' out! >P 

I'm dreading prom. I just want to get it over with. At this point, it's just become something I "have" to do, like a class. Sure, I was the one who chose to sign up for the class in the first place, but that doesn't mean I'm excited to take the finals. Plus, I know I'd feel worse if I didn't go, as much pain as preparing for prom is bringing me.

Today I got shoes. First I found a pair at Ross. Ali brought them over and they fit and were okay, but they were a bit too strappy. For some reason, the way certain straps are on high heels kind of grosses me out. I like shoes that look like friendly, pretty houses for my feet, not shoes that looks like some sort of torture device. These shoes looked nice though, and they were cheap, so I got them.

Then we were in Petaluma at Kmart, and Ali wandered into the shoe section. She seriously has a problem with this. Any store, any time, she'll go to the shoe section and put on all the weirdest shoes she can find. I happened to find a pair of heels that had practically the exact same front design as the ones I already had, but minus the back strap. The heel is a bit thicker and overall the shoe is a bit comfier and better. I got them too, and brought both pairs home to my mom.

Immediately she pointed out the ones with the straps around the heel and said those would be better, because I could dance in them more easily. I said I don't dance, and she acted like I just said I was impregnated by an alien and I'd like to keep the baby. You'd think after all the dances, homecomings, etc, that I haven't attended, she would have figured that out by now. I tried to explain that no one danced anymore, they just humped each other to the beat of music.

I'm not girly. I like my shoes flat and tough, I like to be outdoors, I like creepy things like spiders and snakes, and I don't like dancing. I don't like dressing up, doing make-up, doing hair, or talking about any of that.

Against Ali's opinion, against my mom's opinion, against the shoes I know people will admire more, I'm going to pick the clunky, comfortable ones. Why would I put myself through the pain of the other shoes? To look good when no one's looking? To feel good when I could care less what I look like? No, I'll be ugly and feel better, thanks.

Today I was doing a little light research on studying abroad in college, because I'm sick of never having been anywhere before and I want to really know that when I'm choosing to live in California or even in the US for that matter, that it's really the place for me. (Since there's no way in hell I could remember enough to go to France, it'd probably be somewhere like Australia.. or the UK, or other English-speakling countries. Just in case you were wondering.)

So I found this list, and I had to share it because it's so retarded I lol'd - literally. Look at #9.

1. Travel while earning college credits!
2. Try new foods.
3. Learn a new language, or put a second language to use.
4. Experience first hand different cultures and customs.
5. Increase personal confidence/pride-in-self by surviving in a different environment.
6. Looks good on a resume.
7. Become more independent.
8. Improve communication skills.
9. Gain a higher appreciation for the United States.
10. Become more ready for the ever-increasingly globalized business world.

Like going to other countries is going to make you realize how much they all suck because obviously the United States of America is TEH BEST CUNTRY EVAR.

Yeah, and according to Firefox, globalized isn't even a word either.

Today my mom was saying Boomer's not smart anymore because he doesn't hunt mice as much. "Just because he's lazy doesn't mean he's stupid, Mom," I said. The smartest people in the world can also be the laziest people in the world, because they're clever enough to know how to get by without hardly any effort.

"Yeah, but he's not sharp anymore. He used to be so sharp," she said.

And that got me thinking. I mean, if I was Boomer, I'd get tired of bringing home kills every night when all we did was throw it over the fence afterwards. And even if we did, for some reason, enjoy the many dead rodents and birds on our back porch, is that enough to remain an inspired hunter?

The world moves so fast. Everything is about due dates and getting stuff done, and we're all trying to work harder and faster and be more efficient and better and sharper. But why? What good is that at all? Everyone has this list of things they 'have' to do, and it's all connected. Have to get to school on time, have to get that A in math, have to get into that college, have to get that Masters degree, have to get that job, that spouse, that house, that family. But WHY? What the hell is the god damned difference if I get my degree when I'm twenty than when I'm thirty? Why are we rushing rushing rushing to get all these things done that you "have" to?

To get the most amount of "things I've done" on your stupid list of life when it's all over? Is that the fucking purpose of life? I'll shoot myself if that's all it's about - having more stuff and meaningless accomplishments than your neighbor. It's this big, stupid pointless race. Is anyone in it because they want to be? I mean really, really want to be? There's a difference between wanting the trophy at the end and wanting to run a race.

So maybe there are people out there who enjoy things at a faster rate. People who run for the race, but they break records every time. And so what do the people who can't keep up do? What happens when you can't qualify for any of the races you want to run now because of these sprinters? What happens is people lose passion. They can't do what they love, and so what do they do instead? They stop feeling and they start thinking. They do what they think they "have" to, instead of doing what they know they want to.

I don't want to live in this world anymore. It feels like I'm running a race, but I don't want to. I feel like I have to win that god damn medal at the end to do what I want. But I'm not running, I'm being dragged, kicking and screaming, by my other half, the one who cares what people think of me and cringes when I get another bad mark on a test. I think that other half of me is dying. The real me is winning. I stopped caring. Bio, math, english, just fuck it. I do what I want. I'm sick and tired of living for tomorrow - I'm going to live for today and the rest of the world can fuck themselves.

How old is your soul?

I mean, if you believe in that kind of thing. I think when people hear the word soul, they assume it's got to be something to do with God and religiousness and so they turn a blind ear. For a long time I was stuck in the same mindset, the whole "God is imaginary" bit, but then I learned that people are stupid to say that - they're putting themselves on the same level as the blindly devoted Christians they so despise (not saying all Christians are blindly devoted). To say that something that hasn't been proven is true just makes you look like a fucking idiot - and this goes both for belief in God and disbelief in God. It hasn't been proven, but it hasn't been disproved either. This isn't like a court case, "innocent until proven guilty," because it doesn't start one way and then need to go the other. We all start in the middle, and the people who believe anything 100% without proof are idiots. Now, a lot of people who have faith or don't aren't idiots, but they're the people who believe because they choose to, not because they "know" it's absolutely correct and everyone else is a barnacle head for not thinking this way too.

Anyways, we're gonna let that white rabbit go. When I was stuck in thinking "God is imaginary" and that I'm completely right, I threw out the whole idea that there could be anything more than a bunch of nerve connections in my head creating me. I've kind of realized though, that I'm more than that. It's impossible to try and visualize the whole of me and my head and my billion thoughts and wants and opinions into just an interaction between blood and muscle and skin and hormones and whatnot. It can't be that simple.

You can call it whatever you like: your subconscious, your conscience, the little guy on your shoulder, your soul, whatever. It's something that's a part of you that's greater than the numbers and lines in your science book.

Some people have souls that are "younger," in a sense. They just live and don't think about it so much. But it seems like the older a soul is, the less you can do that. Life just isn't that simple. With one decision, you can indirectly touch a million people, and I think old souls realize this. A lot that he wrote about old souls really reminded me of myself, too. I always joke about how I'm such a grandma, but what's funny is a lot of the stuff I joke about isn't far from truth. I drive slow and I'm cautious, but at the same time I often feel my understanding of things is a lot more complex than the understanding of those who jump right in and just do it.

    At the end of a full life comes the time of old age. Much that can be said about an Old soul is what would be said about an old person. Usually old people have traveled to many places and done many things. They are a storehouse of wisdom and understanding because of this range of experience. But in spite of their competence they do not usually accomplish very much. Because of the age of the body, there is often a tiredness about them that prevents much expenditure of effort. They are quieter than younger people, have a more relaxed lifestyle, and are more subdued in their manner of expression. They have mellowed out considerably compared to their younger days. The energy and excitement of youth is mostly gone. It is very similar with Old souls. They have access through the subconscious to a great wealth of experience. Often they become teachers to pass this knowledge and wisdom on, but to a limited number of students — there is little desire or effort to release their understanding into the world in general. In fact, in the last Levels, some Old souls can be so world-weary that they are ready to just lay down and die.

Something I never really thought about was a life without having children. Everyone seems to just assume that the only life path is to get a good job, get married, and get pregnant and raise a family. I don't know why it just hit me today, but it did, and it feels like a really big weight off my shoulders. I don't think I could give up so much of my time, money, love, and effort to someone who (based on the events of me and my parents as well as my parents and their parents) won't even truly appreciate the effort and probably won't even really connect deeply until long after they've gone off to college and started their own lives.

There's a whole world out there that I could explore, and I don't have to wait for anyone. I'd love to get involved in a lifestyle like that, where I make enough money to live comfortably and travel and learn and do new things all the time with people I know and love because we connect on a personal level and not because they came out of my vagina.

It's a strange thought, but I love it. It questions my very existence, yet the promise of a future life of better quality seems more sure under the idea of being child free. If there's one thing I've learned, it's not to depend on people. People are human, they make mistakes, they can't read your mind, and they let you down one way or another. And while good bonds are not easy to find, they're not so impossible that you absolutely have to create new humans entirely to quench your craving to love and be loved. Why invest so much time and money when your children might only let you down?

You'd think that people signing their life away for at least eighteen years would think a little more about it, but society is amazing in its ability to throw a hissy fit over 2 cent changes in gas prices while popping out baby after baby (that on average cost parents $250,000 each) with little thoughts of the repercussions.

Anyways, who knows. I'm pretty good at doing the sorts of things that people wouldn't really expect of me.