5 posts tagged “plans”

Summer can go a few ways. I could be productive, and do all the things I know I want to, like do some deep cleaning and throw a bunch of my crap away, or I can do the thing I should and get a job and start saving money, or I can do the thing I've done the past summers - which is absolutely nothing. Every summer is the same. I lounge around, cut myself off from society, play computer games, read books, write, and eat. And every summer I gain a bunch of weight and come back to school just as socially awkward as I was at the beginning of last year.

It terrifies me to think I'll gain even more weight, most of all. I could care less about anything else, but you have no idea how terrible it is to look at old photographs and think of how easy it was to get from there to here. It feels like it's impossible to change myself, now, like I'll always just be the chubby one. It's not like I have a huge problem with being a little fat, but I know that I could easily feel so much better if I was just 10 or 15 pounds less.

It's inertia, though. I'm so stuck on this path of staying inside, being lazy, eating crap, and hating myself for it, that it's hard to change. It's like the choice between rolling a boulder downhill or pushing it uphill. It would take a lot of self-motivation and help from others to roll it up. I've directly asked people to help me, and even though they go "sure!" the next day they've totally forgotten about anything but their own problems. I hate it.

Ugh. I hate this. Fuck summer, fuck this. I want to be at college, doing shit. I don't want to get a fucking job when I'm moving away in two months. By the time Ben Franklin's calls me back I'll be in fucking college, I guarantee it. ARGH. I'm so pissed. I hate this. I want to work at a fish store, or a dog groomers, or somewhere I actually like and can stay and make bonds and commitments. I want to be with my family, with my cousins, who will hang out with me more than once a month. I really miss those days when having a best friend really meant that - someone you hang out with every single day, tell all your secrets to, know everything about. Not someone who might take you on errands with them once a week.

I'm really tempted to move up to Arcata over the summer now. The only thing I think I'd actually miss is the pond, because I'm a bitch. Wow. It's such a good idea. Once I get my laptop, I really want to. If I could find a job there, that would be so sick. I could be free!

I started this post okay, and then I just tumbled into illiteracy. Blah.

So I got an 80/80 on my ELM, which really just shows that it was kind of pointless for me to take. It makes me happy, though.

I'm super excited for Humboldt. I have my dorm in Cypress, which are the most awesomest because they're basically mini-houses and you don't have to share a bathroom with a whole row of rooms, just with your house mates. I'm ready to move in today. This might be the first summer I actually want to be shorter!

One thing I can't decide on is whether I should bring Sly or my fish tank. I've kept fish for a long time now and I like having a fish tank to look at, but the reality is that it'll be a pretty big hassle when I leave for breaks and stuff like that. Sly, on the other hand, will be really easy to transport. As long as I give him something to bury in and keep warm, I could practically transport him in my pocket. Plus he can go a long while without eating and his tank requires hardly any care.

I guess I just decided it for myself. It's a bummer, because while I'm gone it's likely that my family will just let my fish tank die and fall to pieces, but ah well. I doubt I'll get a dorm sophomore year, and so I can always keep a fish tank in whatever apartment I rent.

Another thing I'd like to do is Humboldt has a bunch of these outdoor trips before school starts. One I'm looking into is a weekend where we'd kayak out to a campsite and spend the night. It's only $70, and they rent all the equipment and stuff. Like, that's awesome. I'm just kind of scared that I'll sign up and because I don't know anyone I'll get really shy and quiet. I wish it was more easy for me to be confident.

In other news, school still sucks. For the past few days I'd had this really gut-wrenching nervous feeling, due to how behind I am in school and the lurking threat of losing credits, but looking forward and focusing on what's to come has made me feel better. I can't wait for summer, but more than that, I can't wait to be in college. :]

The rain today was nice. The moment I mentioned it Ali said something about prom, but I could care less about prom, really. The only reason I get anxious is because of how much everyone else cares about it. I don't, personally, but as always I get more wound up by other people's opinions than by my own.  I just laid on my bed with the window open and read Wuthering Heights and listened to the rain and didn't think about dresses or shoes or make-up or hair. It felt soul-cleansing.

I'm going to jinx it, but I feel happy. Yesterday, I was sitting in my room watching House and Elliot called and said we should hang out and I said yes and we did. We took some pictures and explored scary places under bridges and wild places through overgrown trails and I think I enjoyed it more than I'll enjoy prom. People say fun and most humans think parties, big crowds, fast cars, extreme sports.. I mean, I like those things occasionally, but the most enjoyment come to me from those spontaneous, quiet little moments with maybe one or two people. I can't put into words the beauty of a moment of silence between friends, or the feeling of kinship knowing that we don't need an agenda or a plan to have a good day.

I know I said I'd like to do Japanese at COM over the summer, but I'm reconsidering. Really, I don't watch anime or read manga very much anymore, and because of that I've lost a lot of passion I had towards learning the language. Besides, it's not going to be all sugar and sunshine.. It's still a class, with studying and homework and tests, and I don't think I want to do that this summer. On top of that, I want to do things. I want to go on camping trips and visit family without having to worry about what I'll miss.

The biggest thing though, is I plan to get a job. I'm tired of bumming money off my parents and I figure if I'm going to do something with my free time I might as well be getting paid for it. :]

Tomorrow I have my interview at the Marine Mammal Center. I'm nervous. Things like interviews freak me out because I'm really bad at thinking on the spot and people tend to assume a pause means that I'm trying to make up an answer when really I'm just trying to remember how to form a sentence.

For a lot of my interviews at Starbucks I was trying to be what they wanted, and I didn't like how that felt. So this time I'm going to just be honest. Besides, it's not like my life depends on this volunteer position at the MMC. If I don't get it - so what. There'll be many other chances for me to get a little experience of a biologist's career when I get to Humboldt.

My mom and Andre and I went to the beach to the other day, and on the way there she was saying that majoring in Philosophy was pointless and stupid. I read an article that proved a really good point about how it was the major for all jobs, but of course I lost it. So now I'm not so sure anymore. It's funny because every now and then someone will ask me, "What's your major gonna be?" and since I get so tired of saying that I don't know, I usually just blurt out the idea of the moment. Biology, philosophy, graphic design, you name it.

I seem to jump between stuff with computers/science, and stuff with writing/philosophy. The difference is that the sciences will actually give me that "purpose" I feel like I need. Writing.. not so much.

Every time I get a day off, I don't get anything done. It's kind of weird. I bitch and moan about how much more I would do if I had the time, but when it comes down to it more time never equals more productive activity. So I've decided the best thing I can do is to keep myself busy. Somehow on those especially long days with school and tech, the motivation to get through it seems to carry over enough for me to actually do homework and cleaning and other strange things. Not to mention it makes me value the little down time I did get a lot more.

I want to get a job. Key word: want. I don't necessarily need one to survive at this point, and so I'm a bit lazy on actually getting one. However, I have the time and it wouldn't hurt to start saving up now if I'm thinking about studying abroad in college later.

This summer, I'd like to take classes at COM. I recently have been looking into Philosophy as a major, and it sounds perfect for me. There's no one career I'd be limited to, and it leaves me a lot of options for graduate school. Not to mention I'm big on thinking in theories and talking in circles anyways - you don't have to look far to find a post where I can talk about just ideas for miles and miles. It's interesting to me, and I don't find it necessary to see the cold hard results in real life to understand and enjoy a topic.

I also want to take a class in Astronomy, because it's very interesting to me but I find it's a bit hard to self-teach. The only constellation I've been able to really get down so far is Orion, and the path of the sun and planets, and finding North. What's peculiar is that the classes sync perfectly. Philosophy is 8 to 10:15, and Astronomy is 10:30 to 2. Gotta love what the universe does when you really want something.

It'd be awesome if those credits could go towards my degree at Humboldt, too. Assuming I could put Astronomy as an elective or something, that'd mean I could allow myself a freshman year taking only 3 classes. Then again, that might be against the rules or something... They probably have a minimum credit requirement for enrolled students.

Anyways, that's just me thinking out loud. Which I do a lot, especially when I'm at home. And then I'll be telling myself some story or reminder, and I turn the corner and one of my brother's friends will be sitting there with a total 'wtf' look on his face. My life..