9 posts tagged “people”

Summer can go a few ways. I could be productive, and do all the things I know I want to, like do some deep cleaning and throw a bunch of my crap away, or I can do the thing I should and get a job and start saving money, or I can do the thing I've done the past summers - which is absolutely nothing. Every summer is the same. I lounge around, cut myself off from society, play computer games, read books, write, and eat. And every summer I gain a bunch of weight and come back to school just as socially awkward as I was at the beginning of last year.

It terrifies me to think I'll gain even more weight, most of all. I could care less about anything else, but you have no idea how terrible it is to look at old photographs and think of how easy it was to get from there to here. It feels like it's impossible to change myself, now, like I'll always just be the chubby one. It's not like I have a huge problem with being a little fat, but I know that I could easily feel so much better if I was just 10 or 15 pounds less.

It's inertia, though. I'm so stuck on this path of staying inside, being lazy, eating crap, and hating myself for it, that it's hard to change. It's like the choice between rolling a boulder downhill or pushing it uphill. It would take a lot of self-motivation and help from others to roll it up. I've directly asked people to help me, and even though they go "sure!" the next day they've totally forgotten about anything but their own problems. I hate it.

Ugh. I hate this. Fuck summer, fuck this. I want to be at college, doing shit. I don't want to get a fucking job when I'm moving away in two months. By the time Ben Franklin's calls me back I'll be in fucking college, I guarantee it. ARGH. I'm so pissed. I hate this. I want to work at a fish store, or a dog groomers, or somewhere I actually like and can stay and make bonds and commitments. I want to be with my family, with my cousins, who will hang out with me more than once a month. I really miss those days when having a best friend really meant that - someone you hang out with every single day, tell all your secrets to, know everything about. Not someone who might take you on errands with them once a week.

I'm really tempted to move up to Arcata over the summer now. The only thing I think I'd actually miss is the pond, because I'm a bitch. Wow. It's such a good idea. Once I get my laptop, I really want to. If I could find a job there, that would be so sick. I could be free!

I started this post okay, and then I just tumbled into illiteracy. Blah.

It's weird to think it's all over. I was just getting used to being a senior, and in a little over a week I'm not even going to be a high schooler anymore. Today I said to Lucas, "Hey, next year we're both going to be freshman!" and he laughed.

First of all, fuck yes! I am so ready to be done with this. Unbelievably ready. I think I was ready halfway through sophomore year. I'm not going to cry at graduation because I'm sorry but, I really didn't have fun in high school. I mean, freshman year was a roller coaster ride - scary, but fun in a thrilling way. Then I killed it during the summer, and no year of high school could ever compete. Sophomore year was okay. Cross country was fun that year and I did actually feel like I still had people I could trust and that liked me. Junior year was basically terrible, because on top all the tests and college prep pressures, I had a bunch of social drama to deal with which resulted in a big loss of trust in humankind altogether. So this year I've kept from getting attached. I viewed everything as if through the eyes of an observer, and really filtered out a lot of my emotions in place for logic. Logic works. I love it now.

Senior year itself wasn't so bad, but it really wasn't amazing either. I just did a lot of wisting for the past and craving for the future. There are individuals who have made this year tolerable and even something enjoyable - Maria, Akiko, Mica, Elliot are who I think of off the top of my head. The things I am going to remember fondly are trips to the city with my asians, practically living in the darkroom and partying with the photo kids on wednesdays and planting subliminal messages about megatron all throughout the classroom, going to ihop after musicals..

I'm so excited for Humboldt. I say it everyday, but I think about it everyday. I already know exactly where my room is, and I've actually found the facebooks of a few of the guys in the suite next to ours. I can't wait to live with my peers, to be able to go on runs in redwood forests whenever I want, to meet new people, to see the McKinnon clan whenever I want, to have a laptop, to take classes I care about, to be independent!

In other news, I'm totally exhausted and I still have that essay from hell (aka Berb's class) to write. Uggga.

It's weird to think it's all over. I was just getting used to being a senior, and in a little over a week I'm not even going to be a high schooler anymore. Today I said to Lucas, "Hey, next year we're both going to be freshman!" and he laughed.

First of all, fuck yes! I am so ready to be done with this. Unbelievably ready. I think I was ready halfway through sophomore year. I'm not going to cry at graduation because I'm sorry but, I really didn't have fun in high school. I mean, freshman year was a roller coaster ride - scary, but fun in a thrilling way. Then I killed it during the summer, and no year of high school could ever compete. Sophomore year was okay. Cross country was fun that year and I did actually feel like I still had people I could trust and that liked me. Junior year was basically terrible, because on top all the tests and college prep pressures, I had a bunch of social drama to deal with which resulted in a big loss of trust in humankind altogether. So this year I've kept from getting attached. I viewed everything as if through the eyes of an observer, and really filtered out a lot of my emotions in place for logic. Logic works. I love it now.

Senior year itself wasn't so bad, but it really wasn't amazing either. I just did a lot of wisting for the past and craving for the future. There are individuals who have made this year tolerable and even something enjoyable - Maria, Akiko, Mica, Elliot are who I think of off the top of my head. The things I am going to remember fondly are trips to the city with my asians, practically living in the darkroom and partying with the photo kids on wednesdays and planting subliminal messages about megatron all throughout the classroom, going to ihop after musicals..

I'm so excited for Humboldt. I say it everyday, but I think about it everyday. I already know exactly where my room is, and I've actually found the facebooks of a few of the guys in the suite next to ours. I can't wait to live with my peers, to be able to go on runs in redwood forests whenever I want, to meet new people, to see the McKinnon clan whenever I want, to have a laptop, to take classes I care about, to be independent!

In other news, I'm totally exhausted and I still have that essay from hell (aka Berb's class) to write. Uggga.

The rain today was nice. The moment I mentioned it Ali said something about prom, but I could care less about prom, really. The only reason I get anxious is because of how much everyone else cares about it. I don't, personally, but as always I get more wound up by other people's opinions than by my own.  I just laid on my bed with the window open and read Wuthering Heights and listened to the rain and didn't think about dresses or shoes or make-up or hair. It felt soul-cleansing.

I'm going to jinx it, but I feel happy. Yesterday, I was sitting in my room watching House and Elliot called and said we should hang out and I said yes and we did. We took some pictures and explored scary places under bridges and wild places through overgrown trails and I think I enjoyed it more than I'll enjoy prom. People say fun and most humans think parties, big crowds, fast cars, extreme sports.. I mean, I like those things occasionally, but the most enjoyment come to me from those spontaneous, quiet little moments with maybe one or two people. I can't put into words the beauty of a moment of silence between friends, or the feeling of kinship knowing that we don't need an agenda or a plan to have a good day.

I know I said I'd like to do Japanese at COM over the summer, but I'm reconsidering. Really, I don't watch anime or read manga very much anymore, and because of that I've lost a lot of passion I had towards learning the language. Besides, it's not going to be all sugar and sunshine.. It's still a class, with studying and homework and tests, and I don't think I want to do that this summer. On top of that, I want to do things. I want to go on camping trips and visit family without having to worry about what I'll miss.

The biggest thing though, is I plan to get a job. I'm tired of bumming money off my parents and I figure if I'm going to do something with my free time I might as well be getting paid for it. :]

Today I stuck around at lunch and hung out with Phoebe and Hannah and Jessie, and it was fun. I really don't hang out with people anymore, and I think I need to start or I'm going to forget how to have friends and end up like some weird, old cat lady with an overgrown garden. Though I think even with friends I'd like to have an overgrown garden. They're cooler than trimmed because plants shouldn't be organized, and they're much cooler than plain old dirt.

I've been going to the gym really regularly lately, and it's not so much a battle anymore. I just go. It's great not to care what people think. A lot of the time I go with hairy legs and it's great. Fuck society! Smooth legs are nice, but hairy legs aren't going to kill me. Hopefully I'll eventually have the strength to go on a run where I don't quit ten minutes in and just walk off the trail and sit by some creek and think deep thoughts. I tend to do that a lot when I run on trails alone. Then I feel bad because I wasted all this time and didn't actually exercise.

I think I take life way too seriously. Jessie always gets frustrated when she's telling me some story and I have to make some deep, meaningful comment about the nature of the world or something. It's sad though because I don't feel like I have enough of those kinds of conversations with people.

Anyways.. star testing is going to be awesome. We'll only have to be at school for like, three classes a day. The sleeping in part doesn't really appeal to me. I'm probably still going to get up at 6 everyday, because I hate waking up and feeling like half the day is already gone. Anton always talks about how he sleeps in until 1pm on the weekends like it's really hardcore to lay in your bed when the rest of the world is actually getting shit done. Yeah, you're really cool.

How old is your soul?

I mean, if you believe in that kind of thing. I think when people hear the word soul, they assume it's got to be something to do with God and religiousness and so they turn a blind ear. For a long time I was stuck in the same mindset, the whole "God is imaginary" bit, but then I learned that people are stupid to say that - they're putting themselves on the same level as the blindly devoted Christians they so despise (not saying all Christians are blindly devoted). To say that something that hasn't been proven is true just makes you look like a fucking idiot - and this goes both for belief in God and disbelief in God. It hasn't been proven, but it hasn't been disproved either. This isn't like a court case, "innocent until proven guilty," because it doesn't start one way and then need to go the other. We all start in the middle, and the people who believe anything 100% without proof are idiots. Now, a lot of people who have faith or don't aren't idiots, but they're the people who believe because they choose to, not because they "know" it's absolutely correct and everyone else is a barnacle head for not thinking this way too.

Anyways, we're gonna let that white rabbit go. When I was stuck in thinking "God is imaginary" and that I'm completely right, I threw out the whole idea that there could be anything more than a bunch of nerve connections in my head creating me. I've kind of realized though, that I'm more than that. It's impossible to try and visualize the whole of me and my head and my billion thoughts and wants and opinions into just an interaction between blood and muscle and skin and hormones and whatnot. It can't be that simple.

You can call it whatever you like: your subconscious, your conscience, the little guy on your shoulder, your soul, whatever. It's something that's a part of you that's greater than the numbers and lines in your science book.

Some people have souls that are "younger," in a sense. They just live and don't think about it so much. But it seems like the older a soul is, the less you can do that. Life just isn't that simple. With one decision, you can indirectly touch a million people, and I think old souls realize this. A lot that he wrote about old souls really reminded me of myself, too. I always joke about how I'm such a grandma, but what's funny is a lot of the stuff I joke about isn't far from truth. I drive slow and I'm cautious, but at the same time I often feel my understanding of things is a lot more complex than the understanding of those who jump right in and just do it.

    At the end of a full life comes the time of old age. Much that can be said about an Old soul is what would be said about an old person. Usually old people have traveled to many places and done many things. They are a storehouse of wisdom and understanding because of this range of experience. But in spite of their competence they do not usually accomplish very much. Because of the age of the body, there is often a tiredness about them that prevents much expenditure of effort. They are quieter than younger people, have a more relaxed lifestyle, and are more subdued in their manner of expression. They have mellowed out considerably compared to their younger days. The energy and excitement of youth is mostly gone. It is very similar with Old souls. They have access through the subconscious to a great wealth of experience. Often they become teachers to pass this knowledge and wisdom on, but to a limited number of students — there is little desire or effort to release their understanding into the world in general. In fact, in the last Levels, some Old souls can be so world-weary that they are ready to just lay down and die.

Something I never really thought about was a life without having children. Everyone seems to just assume that the only life path is to get a good job, get married, and get pregnant and raise a family. I don't know why it just hit me today, but it did, and it feels like a really big weight off my shoulders. I don't think I could give up so much of my time, money, love, and effort to someone who (based on the events of me and my parents as well as my parents and their parents) won't even truly appreciate the effort and probably won't even really connect deeply until long after they've gone off to college and started their own lives.

There's a whole world out there that I could explore, and I don't have to wait for anyone. I'd love to get involved in a lifestyle like that, where I make enough money to live comfortably and travel and learn and do new things all the time with people I know and love because we connect on a personal level and not because they came out of my vagina.

It's a strange thought, but I love it. It questions my very existence, yet the promise of a future life of better quality seems more sure under the idea of being child free. If there's one thing I've learned, it's not to depend on people. People are human, they make mistakes, they can't read your mind, and they let you down one way or another. And while good bonds are not easy to find, they're not so impossible that you absolutely have to create new humans entirely to quench your craving to love and be loved. Why invest so much time and money when your children might only let you down?

You'd think that people signing their life away for at least eighteen years would think a little more about it, but society is amazing in its ability to throw a hissy fit over 2 cent changes in gas prices while popping out baby after baby (that on average cost parents $250,000 each) with little thoughts of the repercussions.

Anyways, who knows. I'm pretty good at doing the sorts of things that people wouldn't really expect of me.

At musical rehearsal tonight, the actors were doing some dance stuff so we all walked the props back to the music room. With two boxes of cardboard typewriters I strut out on my own, and then I'm alone. The singing is fading away, and that crazy little choreographer woman is yelling something. She gets the whole group so energized, she's just amazing.

The thought that hits me then is how much this feels like those moments in movies when The Heroin steps outside of a party and then The Villain (or variation of such) comes out and 'gets' her. I'm kind of walking slower now, liking the silence, but I don't really think I'm much of a heroin. My hair is never styled right, you can see where the mascara brush left footprints around my eyes, my skin is red, my lips are too small, my jaw is too big, and then I just want to throw those damn cardboard typewriters and their dented pieces of paper and watch them all tumble and flutter away in the wind and just turn around and walk away from everything.

I want meaning in my life. I love musical tech, but it tires me out so quickly. I'm not meant for this - talking to a billion people, remembering a billion random things about vanity tables and patching lights and sliding doors, trying to be in control without becoming The Scared Angry Bitch who uses aggression as defense. It's fun, but it's too much.

For a long time I thought meaning meant having really close friends and having a boyfriend and the like. Then, whether it was me or them who started it, I sort of built a wall between my deeper self and the world. I might have planted each painful brick, but it was the people I knew who slapped on the mortar, every time they didn't ask me how or why, every time they took a single 'no' as an answer from me, every time they forgot to pick me up from school. Even my immediate family feels kind of foreign to me at times.

I still have those dreams about people reading my diary and finally feeling like I can have friends who really know me, but I don't try so hard anymore. Instead I wrote in lj, but after that just became a pile of drama and bad feelings, I started to write here. I don't really expect or need people to read these long-ass, stupid emotional rant posts, but somehow it just feels better knowing they could. It gives what I write the legs to walk and the will to live.

High school sucked, but I seem to have luck for a better chance at life every four years or so, and so I'm excited for college. I learned a lot about people and about myself at San Marin. I'm so much different now than I was when I came here, it's amazing.

Now I'm tired and I can't remember why I even started this post, ugh... The time I waste trying to sort out this stuff in my head.. ridiculous. AND I DIDN'T DO MY BIO HOMEWORK. UGH. "Screw that class, seriously," says the girl who wants to be a biologist.

So today I heard about someone talking about me behind my back, and it was strange. You don't realize how much your actions affect others until you find out that they've been worth someone else to complain about. What sucks is while I really want to get feedback from other people so that I can improve as a person, I'm really sensitive. Of course I laugh it off with others, because I don't want to discourage later criticism, but when I got home I really had to sit down and just focus on convincing myself that it didn't matter. And it wasn't even a huge insult of any kind. I just get way too affected by that kind of thing. It's the INFP in me.

I'm proud of myself though, because I ended the day happily.

The subject of the day for me was Buddhism today. Since everyone kind of categorizes it as a religion, I always imagined it to just be a rip-off of Christianity. I mean, I understood the basics of it, but for some reason I never really understood it until today. It's such a wonderful mindset, because there's no weird Adam and Eve fairy tales that are supposed to be real stories, and there's no single superior creator or anything like that. It's really just about being a better person. There's no rules to win a spot in heaven or anything like that and it doesn't really actually go against much that science states. Not to mention meditation and being good-natured has to be the best way to live.

You never realize how much noise there is in your head until you sit in a quiet room and try to make it go away. Seriously, close your eyes right now, turn off your music or whatever, and just try to think of absolutely nothing. It's difficult, isn't it? It's maddening to think I deal with this jabberjabberjabber about random things in my mind all day. No wonder it's so easy to get stressed out.

Well, I'm gonna go to the gym and sweat a little. Yeahhhh whoop.