5 posts tagged “mom”

Tomorrow I have my interview at the Marine Mammal Center. I'm nervous. Things like interviews freak me out because I'm really bad at thinking on the spot and people tend to assume a pause means that I'm trying to make up an answer when really I'm just trying to remember how to form a sentence.

For a lot of my interviews at Starbucks I was trying to be what they wanted, and I didn't like how that felt. So this time I'm going to just be honest. Besides, it's not like my life depends on this volunteer position at the MMC. If I don't get it - so what. There'll be many other chances for me to get a little experience of a biologist's career when I get to Humboldt.

My mom and Andre and I went to the beach to the other day, and on the way there she was saying that majoring in Philosophy was pointless and stupid. I read an article that proved a really good point about how it was the major for all jobs, but of course I lost it. So now I'm not so sure anymore. It's funny because every now and then someone will ask me, "What's your major gonna be?" and since I get so tired of saying that I don't know, I usually just blurt out the idea of the moment. Biology, philosophy, graphic design, you name it.

I seem to jump between stuff with computers/science, and stuff with writing/philosophy. The difference is that the sciences will actually give me that "purpose" I feel like I need. Writing.. not so much.

Today my mom was saying Boomer's not smart anymore because he doesn't hunt mice as much. "Just because he's lazy doesn't mean he's stupid, Mom," I said. The smartest people in the world can also be the laziest people in the world, because they're clever enough to know how to get by without hardly any effort.

"Yeah, but he's not sharp anymore. He used to be so sharp," she said.

And that got me thinking. I mean, if I was Boomer, I'd get tired of bringing home kills every night when all we did was throw it over the fence afterwards. And even if we did, for some reason, enjoy the many dead rodents and birds on our back porch, is that enough to remain an inspired hunter?

The world moves so fast. Everything is about due dates and getting stuff done, and we're all trying to work harder and faster and be more efficient and better and sharper. But why? What good is that at all? Everyone has this list of things they 'have' to do, and it's all connected. Have to get to school on time, have to get that A in math, have to get into that college, have to get that Masters degree, have to get that job, that spouse, that house, that family. But WHY? What the hell is the god damned difference if I get my degree when I'm twenty than when I'm thirty? Why are we rushing rushing rushing to get all these things done that you "have" to?

To get the most amount of "things I've done" on your stupid list of life when it's all over? Is that the fucking purpose of life? I'll shoot myself if that's all it's about - having more stuff and meaningless accomplishments than your neighbor. It's this big, stupid pointless race. Is anyone in it because they want to be? I mean really, really want to be? There's a difference between wanting the trophy at the end and wanting to run a race.

So maybe there are people out there who enjoy things at a faster rate. People who run for the race, but they break records every time. And so what do the people who can't keep up do? What happens when you can't qualify for any of the races you want to run now because of these sprinters? What happens is people lose passion. They can't do what they love, and so what do they do instead? They stop feeling and they start thinking. They do what they think they "have" to, instead of doing what they know they want to.

I don't want to live in this world anymore. It feels like I'm running a race, but I don't want to. I feel like I have to win that god damn medal at the end to do what I want. But I'm not running, I'm being dragged, kicking and screaming, by my other half, the one who cares what people think of me and cringes when I get another bad mark on a test. I think that other half of me is dying. The real me is winning. I stopped caring. Bio, math, english, just fuck it. I do what I want. I'm sick and tired of living for tomorrow - I'm going to live for today and the rest of the world can fuck themselves.

HELLO, AM I THE ONLY DEEP PERSON IN THE WORLD?

God. Feels like it. People talk and talk to me and no one really wants to know how I actually feel. I don't even know my parents anymore. They buy me dinner then eat it before I get home, don't bother to save me a spot so I park down the street and am late to school everyday because of it, then I come upstairs and it just reeks like cigarettes and when I go to ask if my mom has sent the signed permission thing for Humboldt I have to wait outside their locked door for ten minutes and then when my dad finally opens it he's just pissed and yelling at me and they're all jumping to conclusions about all the things I'm doing wrong right that moment or have done wrong in the day (even though I just got home).

For all the people I give favors without asking for anything in return, for every time I say "No well he's actually really nice," when people talk shit about other people, I come home and just feel like shit and I know there probably isn't a soul out there giving me any good thought. Because honestly, no one really cares about anyone other than themselves. I'm excited for college because I think I might meet people there who will change my life. I'm excited to leave this stupid family and this stupid house and never come back. I don't want to. I can't even ask for money to buy toothpaste without them making me feel like some spoiled brat who only comes to talk to ask for money.

Anyways, I feel better now. It's not really that big of a deal, I guess. Everyone has problems with family. I can't expect to actually enjoy their company. I don't think those families exist, the ones where Mom cooks dinner every night and Dad brings home enough money so we can talk about something other than our debt.

My life will get better, because I'm going to make it. I'm going to get a job and save up money to buy myself a better car, something to replace my stolen iPod, and I'm going to go to Humboldt and room with Lizzie and hang out with my cousins a bunch more and meet new people and lose weight and learn a lot about life and about myself and it's going to be great because I'm not waiting anymore.

The question is where to get a job? I know too much about the places in this town, so I'm too picky. I may try the Starbucks by McDonalds, Pet Arcade again, or.. I can't really think of any other places. I know my first job is just supposed to suck, but I'm not going to let myself get stuck doing daily shit that I can't stand. Or maybe I'll work at Rolling Hills, or I can work at Harvest Market with Caitlin. :P

Oh my. You guys, you guys, on this progress report I got a 4.0!

It's the first legitimate time (I don't think elementary school really counts.. 'A+ for playing house well, Heather!') and it feels good. I think finally making that first digit a four really made my mom realize I'm her daughter or something, because today I came home to DINNER cooked FOR ME. It was really amazing, she grilled up some tofu in something wonderful and there was wild rice and a scrumptious vegetable thing with corn.. Then I find yellow roses in my room. My mother is absolutely insane.

I'm dead tired, though. I don't have much mental stamina to begin with, and being SM for Millie is much more intense than Into the Woods was. Huge cast, huge set, huge changes, huge tech, and I am so not a leader or organized whatsoever. Not that I really have a problem with that, it's just frustrating that people expect me to be some extreme ESTJ (just look it up) when I'm really the complete opposite. So, it's been fun, but I'm ready to get the shows done and have some good cast parties and then go into hibernation. And yes, I am purposefully forcing myself to forget that we have Stage Door immediately after. At least there's no major scene changes! For once I'm really going to appreciate that fact.

In other news, Doctor Who is the most amazingly ridiculous and at the same time amazingly addictive TV show ever. I laugh at how funny the aliens look, and then can't help but sit down and keep watching episode after episode. :3 Oh, and I also can't find my camera cord, though I guarantee I took many nice pictures of snow in Tahoe.

Tomorrow. No plans, but I'm going to make it the best day ever. I just decided. Ready? Go.

Blueberries are the most amazing, scrumptious fruits in the entire world. If I had to pick one thing to eat for the rest of my life, it would be blueberries. They just feel nice, all soft but firm and when you put them in your mouth they are sweet and never tart, and it's never a flavor that overwhelms or gives you a bad aftertaste. I especially enjoy them recently refrigerated and freshly washed.

In my opinion, fruit should have a bigger role on the food pyramid. Think about it. Our closest relatives are what?

Monkeys. What do they eat?

FRUIT. Yes, yes, they are omnivores, but I hardly think they're basing their lives off of food pyramids like we are. They just grab whatever strikes their fancy. And a lot of the time that's a banana.

Well, blueberries are simple amazing. Today I forced my mom to let me go with her to the store, so I could make completely sure that she got fruit. She's pretty good about it - you know, the usuals like apples and oranges and bananas. But unless I'm standing there rattling off a list of facts as to why buying this crate of blueberries is going to make my life so much better, she'll ignore it. Because they're expensive.

My mom will spend money on beer and cigarettes but she won't buy me my favorite, not to mention one of the healthiest, fruits. My dad will spend money on Pepsi, cheese, and popcorn, but if I ask for fruit I'll be lucky to get a bundle of green, bruised bananas. I am so ready to get out of this house.