11 posts tagged “me”
It's funny because the laptop actually has a much brighter screen than my old computer, so a lot of images look different now. My layout, too. Only after I got my lappy did I actually notice that the white smudges were actually eyes of these funny little black creatures. I didn't mind them, but I felt like changing it anyways. So now we have this.
Today I went to the city with my whoole family and we had dinner at this nice restaurant where my uncle was playing in a jazz group. It was as family outings usually are, where everyone is bickering and things are always going wrong and any laughs we have are usually at someone else's expense, but it was still fun. We don't ever do family-like things. Lucas really has changed, I realized. I think it has to do with this friend he has, Travis. One time Lucas mentioned how Travis is cool because he's always so happy and chill, and ever since then I've been noticing that Luke seems to try pretty hard to be like that. He never complains or talks down about anything, really, aside from complaining about other people's complaining.
It made me realize that I'd like to be less abrasive as a person. I mean, I'm not really when it comes to friends, but the better I know people (my family) the looser my tongue is, and the more things I say that I regret. I want to be able to communicate well and resolve conflicts. It seems like a lot of disputes and problems that people run into each other are because they just didn't communicate. If I could just always be genuinely happy and relaxed and know how to word my desires and intentions clearly as well as listen to and understand others just as much, I don't think I would have any regrets about myself as a person.
Tomorrow I leave for Crescent City to visit family.. I'm really excited to see everyone, even though from what I've been hearing it's been a huge dramafest since some things went down on the 4th of July. Whatever though, mang. I'm still excited. I love having a big family!
I want a best friend again. I need that one person I can actually trust. And I can't tell anymore, whether not having one is just because there aren't any to have, or because I've become the kind of person who will be always, deep down, be completely alone.
I can't stop feeling so apathetic. Every night, I set my alarm early in hopes of waking up sharp, going on a run, eating well, cleaning my room, and maybe calling some people and actually being social. Every day I declare that tomorrow will be the day I change me life, for good, for real this time. Then I wake up to my alarm, bleary-eyed and ticked as hell, turn it off, and climb back under the covers and go back to that happy, warm place I only ever meet in sleep.
Usually four or five hours later, I wake up after too much sleep with a sore back, a bad taste in my mouth, and a strong hatred for the world that continually starts each day before I can join it. From that point, I lounge about the house and do nothing. Every now and then I'll look out the window and think, it's nice out, I'm missing such great possibilities. Even if I'm ugly, I'm still young and have a car and legs, so I can enjoy my life to some extent.
But each day, I tell myself, "tomorrow." It's pathetic and I hate myself for it, but as much as I know that I could have a good day if I just woke up early, just went on a run, just refused that bowl of ice cream, just cleaned my room, I have no true desire to have good days... I'm completely okay just having an average, lazy life day after day. It's not that I want to be better, I just want to want to be better, and so of course most of my attempts at improving the current state of things never gets anywhere. There's plenty of advice in books and on the internet how to improve yourself, but what about apathy? What about the people who know they should want to improve themselves, but can't find the will to care about anything? I pity the small part of me that has this desire to be a passionate person who lives her life without limits, because I can do nothing for it as I float into careless oblivion, where I will not be seen nor invisible, where I will always do just fine and no more and no less. I will survive, but what is that? How can it be "life" when I'm not dead, and not alive?
I guess that's it. I'm undead - I'm a real-life zombie who has stolen the body of a teenage girl. What's funny is, as sad as it is, I couldn't care less if this is how I lived the rest of my life. Never getting dressed, never doing my hair, lurking on my writing forums, staying indoors. Maybe my life really will be the crazy, worst possible life I've always kind of imagined and laughed at, where I have driven my friends away and I live the life of a hermit, always surviving on the bare minimum. It might not be that bad, really, so long as I always stay apathetic. At least then I won't care about the state of my life. And I've always liked cats, anyways.
I woke up about a half an hour ago and I can't sleep. I'm dead tired, but I can't. THE SUN ISN'T EVEN UP YET.
I have to admit, I'm kind of excited to see the sunrise, but still.. There's something very wrong about being up earlier than I was on most school days, during the summer.
Summer can go a few ways. I could be productive, and do all the things I know I want to, like do some deep cleaning and throw a bunch of my crap away, or I can do the thing I should and get a job and start saving money, or I can do the thing I've done the past summers - which is absolutely nothing. Every summer is the same. I lounge around, cut myself off from society, play computer games, read books, write, and eat. And every summer I gain a bunch of weight and come back to school just as socially awkward as I was at the beginning of last year.
It terrifies me to think I'll gain even more weight, most of all. I could care less about anything else, but you have no idea how terrible it is to look at old photographs and think of how easy it was to get from there to here. It feels like it's impossible to change myself, now, like I'll always just be the chubby one. It's not like I have a huge problem with being a little fat, but I know that I could easily feel so much better if I was just 10 or 15 pounds less.
It's inertia, though. I'm so stuck on this path of staying inside, being lazy, eating crap, and hating myself for it, that it's hard to change. It's like the choice between rolling a boulder downhill or pushing it uphill. It would take a lot of self-motivation and help from others to roll it up. I've directly asked people to help me, and even though they go "sure!" the next day they've totally forgotten about anything but their own problems. I hate it.
Ugh. I hate this. Fuck summer, fuck this. I want to be at college, doing shit. I don't want to get a fucking job when I'm moving away in two months. By the time Ben Franklin's calls me back I'll be in fucking college, I guarantee it. ARGH. I'm so pissed. I hate this. I want to work at a fish store, or a dog groomers, or somewhere I actually like and can stay and make bonds and commitments. I want to be with my family, with my cousins, who will hang out with me more than once a month. I really miss those days when having a best friend really meant that - someone you hang out with every single day, tell all your secrets to, know everything about. Not someone who might take you on errands with them once a week.
I'm really tempted to move up to Arcata over the summer now. The only thing I think I'd actually miss is the pond, because I'm a bitch. Wow. It's such a good idea. Once I get my laptop, I really want to. If I could find a job there, that would be so sick. I could be free!
I started this post okay, and then I just tumbled into illiteracy. Blah.
It's over, once and for all. I am free as a bird, and I can finally turn my back on high school.
Safe grad was alright.. Sort of like a quieter, closer version of the Disneyland trip, just because I got to experience the same sleepy headaches. I promised like three people I'd go to their grad parties today, and then I just didn't go.. and I feel really bad, but I know I would feel worse if I tried to drive somewhere loud and people talking and too much food. I just feel like crap, inside and out.
Anyways, I can't even remember what else I was going to write about. I'm gonna pass out.
It feels like I'm forgetting something. All day, I just keep wondering what big due date or forgotten thing is going to pop up, but nothing comes. It really looks like I'm done. High school is over. If I want, I don't ever have to see another classroom again. It's a trip. I need to stop talking about it.
I'm really worried about myself in the future. I really don't care about my life. I just care about my dreams. I dream about living in the redwoods and finding my prince in shining armor and being healthy and fit and doing well in school and being passionate about my studies, but I kind of feel like when I do finally get there I'll just shift my dreams to whatever comes next - owning a house and having a job or whatever.
I want to start caring. I want to care about the heres and nows and not just the maybes and the laters.. but I can't. I can't force myself to care. Every now and then I'll get into it, I'll start going on more runs and clean my room and actually hang out with people, and then it's like somebody flipped a switch and I just don't give a crap anymore, and I retreat to my room and watch random television shows and movies and read books and write. I feel like I'm never going to be anyone.
In other news, there's a new inhabitant of the pond! He's a water skeeter, and you have no idea how happy it made me to see him when I was sitting out there today. I've always thought they were awesome, and now I have one of my very own! I hope he has some babies or brings friends or something, because he's cool. And he helps eat all the dead things in there, too. If the pond wasn't in such a disgusting state I'd take a picture.
Speaking of pictures, I do plan to keep putting pictures in my posts. It makes things prettier, and I can actually do it now that I got the fucking uploader to work. My uncle came over yesterday and he was on my computer and he was like, "This thing is slow!" and I was like YES. I felt so justified. Everybody goes, "Waaah my computer's slow" but mine ACTUALLY IS. SO THERE.
So today, while my computer was going through one of its regular temper tantrums, I stepped back and started to look through my top dresser. You see, it's been this weird tradition of mine since I was little to have my top dresser just be a mini treasure chest of random items. It used to be a potpourri of toys, but recently I dumped everything childhood and filled it up again with a bunch of paper. Some with meaning, some completely blank.. A lot of my letters from college, report cards, test scores. I actually unearthed a gigantic Harry Potter poster, as well as my favorite book in the world, Harold and the Purple Crayon. I also found my journal from freshman year and the yellow one that I failed to complete sophomore/junior year.
It's strange to see how much I've changed. I mean, it's easy to see it in pictures, but it's hard to grasp how I've changed as a person. I don't know whether to feel good about it or not. I experienced so much more, then. My ups and downs were much more vivid - nowadays I tend to experience no radical ups or downs, everything is just okay.
So I really want to start writing stuff in my journal again. Maybe I'll do a combo written/photo journal..
Oh, and in other news, Big Brown didn't win the triple crown. It's funny because this black horse with some Indian name bolts out of the gate, gets 1st place within two seconds, and no one can touch him after that. Of course, though, all the focus goes to Big Brown. People are expecting a lame leg or something, but really, Big Brown was just having a bad day.
It's weird to think it's all over. I was just getting used to being a senior, and in a little over a week I'm not even going to be a high schooler anymore. Today I said to Lucas, "Hey, next year we're both going to be freshman!" and he laughed.
First of all, fuck yes! I am so ready to be done with this. Unbelievably ready. I think I was ready halfway through sophomore year. I'm not going to cry at graduation because I'm sorry but, I really didn't have fun in high school. I mean, freshman year was a roller coaster ride - scary, but fun in a thrilling way. Then I killed it during the summer, and no year of high school could ever compete. Sophomore year was okay. Cross country was fun that year and I did actually feel like I still had people I could trust and that liked me. Junior year was basically terrible, because on top all the tests and college prep pressures, I had a bunch of social drama to deal with which resulted in a big loss of trust in humankind altogether. So this year I've kept from getting attached. I viewed everything as if through the eyes of an observer, and really filtered out a lot of my emotions in place for logic. Logic works. I love it now.
Senior year itself wasn't so bad, but it really wasn't amazing either. I just did a lot of wisting for the past and craving for the future. There are individuals who have made this year tolerable and even something enjoyable - Maria, Akiko, Mica, Elliot are who I think of off the top of my head. The things I am going to remember fondly are trips to the city with my asians, practically living in the darkroom and partying with the photo kids on wednesdays and planting subliminal messages about megatron all throughout the classroom, going to ihop after musicals..
I'm so excited for Humboldt. I say it everyday, but I think about it everyday. I already know exactly where my room is, and I've actually found the facebooks of a few of the guys in the suite next to ours. I can't wait to live with my peers, to be able to go on runs in redwood forests whenever I want, to meet new people, to see the McKinnon clan whenever I want, to have a laptop, to take classes I care about, to be independent!
In other news, I'm totally exhausted and I still have that essay from hell (aka Berb's class) to write. Uggga.
It's weird to think it's all over. I was just getting used to being a senior, and in a little over a week I'm not even going to be a high schooler anymore. Today I said to Lucas, "Hey, next year we're both going to be freshman!" and he laughed.
First of all, fuck yes! I am so ready to be done with this. Unbelievably ready. I think I was ready halfway through sophomore year. I'm not going to cry at graduation because I'm sorry but, I really didn't have fun in high school. I mean, freshman year was a roller coaster ride - scary, but fun in a thrilling way. Then I killed it during the summer, and no year of high school could ever compete. Sophomore year was okay. Cross country was fun that year and I did actually feel like I still had people I could trust and that liked me. Junior year was basically terrible, because on top all the tests and college prep pressures, I had a bunch of social drama to deal with which resulted in a big loss of trust in humankind altogether. So this year I've kept from getting attached. I viewed everything as if through the eyes of an observer, and really filtered out a lot of my emotions in place for logic. Logic works. I love it now.
Senior year itself wasn't so bad, but it really wasn't amazing either. I just did a lot of wisting for the past and craving for the future. There are individuals who have made this year tolerable and even something enjoyable - Maria, Akiko, Mica, Elliot are who I think of off the top of my head. The things I am going to remember fondly are trips to the city with my asians, practically living in the darkroom and partying with the photo kids on wednesdays and planting subliminal messages about megatron all throughout the classroom, going to ihop after musicals..
I'm so excited for Humboldt. I say it everyday, but I think about it everyday. I already know exactly where my room is, and I've actually found the facebooks of a few of the guys in the suite next to ours. I can't wait to live with my peers, to be able to go on runs in redwood forests whenever I want, to meet new people, to see the McKinnon clan whenever I want, to have a laptop, to take classes I care about, to be independent!
In other news, I'm totally exhausted and I still have that essay from hell (aka Berb's class) to write. Uggga.
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