12 posts tagged “life”

Flower Eclipse

I woke up about a half an hour ago and I can't sleep. I'm dead tired, but I can't. THE SUN ISN'T EVEN UP YET.

I have to admit, I'm kind of excited to see the sunrise, but still.. There's something very wrong about being up earlier than I was on most school days, during the summer.

I really like my alone time. I love to sit in my car and just listen to music, or take long drives and just listen to music, or just go out and find some secluded place and sit there and listen to the wind. I love it because I don't do it for anyone but myself. It's different than going on the internet alone, or reading a book alone, because when I'm reading about characters or chatting or playing games, it's not really the same.

Today was the last day of the play. We strike the set tomorrow, and I'm glad. I don't really care for drama, and while I liked the musicals, I wasn't even very attached to those. After curtain call though, we were all just standing around and everyone was hugging and getting flowers.. I hate that time, and I usually make myself as busy as I can cleaning up so I can avoid the obvious lack of love for me in that crowd, but with drama there isn't much to do. Ryan came up to me after the show tonight and he gave me a hug, and it was so kind of him because it wasn't like one of those awkward crowd situations where he was kind of obligated to hug everyone.

I don't know if it was completely random or if he knew I was feeling down, but it was still nice. It's kind of frustrating how it's so easy for me to lie nowadays. I mean, sometimes when I'm lying about something funny I can't help but smile, but when it comes to my thoughts and my feelings I feel like the biggest faker in the world. Yeah, yeah, the world doesn't revolve around me, but I wish I could at least feel like I actually had my feet on this world. Sometimes I just feel like a ghost. I don't stand out, I don't make an impression, people don't know who I am. I never really get compliments.

In the end, it's always just me. I can't see myself having a life where I have lots of solid friends, or a family. The only thing I can see for sure being in the future is me, with my hobbies, and my thoughts. At least I'm the kind of person who can do okay on only that much.

I'm getting myself really depressed now. I'm just gonna go to bed. Screw school tomorrow, seriously.

Today was great. I "skipped" first period this morning and slept in, and then when I got to school, lo and behold I actually didn't miss first period, but I still got the extra sleep and the homework done, too. I have to say, pleasant things are much better as surprises. If any of you plan on giving me something ever, keep that in mind!

It's strange how one positive thing can sort of tinge an entire day with this bubbly, good feeling. I got things done because I wanted to and I didn't focus on the things that were bad or that I didn't do. I find that all days are really quite alike in the amount of good and bad things that happen, and there's only such thing as a good or bad day based on what you focus on.

On another topic, I kind of realized today that I'm not mean or nice. I'm just sort of.. the other side of things. If I'm hanging out with someone who's constantly talking shit or just being an asshole, I find I generally feel like sticking up for the underdog and showing this person that well, there are a few good things about her. Then when I'm with people who are positive and happy, I tend to always want to point out the sad realities they seem to be blinded too. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to make decisions or really care that strongly about my opinions - I can see both sides very clearly.

Anyways, good day. They always come by surprise. It seems that things in life can't take very much focus and expectation - or else they give in and just go sour.

Today my mom was saying Boomer's not smart anymore because he doesn't hunt mice as much. "Just because he's lazy doesn't mean he's stupid, Mom," I said. The smartest people in the world can also be the laziest people in the world, because they're clever enough to know how to get by without hardly any effort.

"Yeah, but he's not sharp anymore. He used to be so sharp," she said.

And that got me thinking. I mean, if I was Boomer, I'd get tired of bringing home kills every night when all we did was throw it over the fence afterwards. And even if we did, for some reason, enjoy the many dead rodents and birds on our back porch, is that enough to remain an inspired hunter?

The world moves so fast. Everything is about due dates and getting stuff done, and we're all trying to work harder and faster and be more efficient and better and sharper. But why? What good is that at all? Everyone has this list of things they 'have' to do, and it's all connected. Have to get to school on time, have to get that A in math, have to get into that college, have to get that Masters degree, have to get that job, that spouse, that house, that family. But WHY? What the hell is the god damned difference if I get my degree when I'm twenty than when I'm thirty? Why are we rushing rushing rushing to get all these things done that you "have" to?

To get the most amount of "things I've done" on your stupid list of life when it's all over? Is that the fucking purpose of life? I'll shoot myself if that's all it's about - having more stuff and meaningless accomplishments than your neighbor. It's this big, stupid pointless race. Is anyone in it because they want to be? I mean really, really want to be? There's a difference between wanting the trophy at the end and wanting to run a race.

So maybe there are people out there who enjoy things at a faster rate. People who run for the race, but they break records every time. And so what do the people who can't keep up do? What happens when you can't qualify for any of the races you want to run now because of these sprinters? What happens is people lose passion. They can't do what they love, and so what do they do instead? They stop feeling and they start thinking. They do what they think they "have" to, instead of doing what they know they want to.

I don't want to live in this world anymore. It feels like I'm running a race, but I don't want to. I feel like I have to win that god damn medal at the end to do what I want. But I'm not running, I'm being dragged, kicking and screaming, by my other half, the one who cares what people think of me and cringes when I get another bad mark on a test. I think that other half of me is dying. The real me is winning. I stopped caring. Bio, math, english, just fuck it. I do what I want. I'm sick and tired of living for tomorrow - I'm going to live for today and the rest of the world can fuck themselves.

Today I went on a photo shoot in O'hair park. It was kind of strange and I have a feeling all these pictures are going to suck, but I have four rolls of film to show for it so who am I to complain. I can never get out to do shoots, but once I'm out with my camera I love it. It was funny, because when I went with Zach and Elliot they snapped two pictures and were done. I could have stayed for hours and taken pictures of each little detail.

I was mulling through the internet today and I found this:
http://www.cockeyed.com/photos/bodies/heightweight.shtml
It's a photographic height-weight thing. It's really interesting to see. I never realized how much heavier guys naturally are than girls. Plus looking at mine, it made me feel a lot better about myself too. Then I got really motivated and researched all this exercise information and now I'm determined to lose 2 pounds a week.

Usually these weight-loss attempts of mine never get very far, but this one actually makes sense to me so I think I can do it. I just have to stay interested. I think so long as I actually lose the expected 2 pounds each week, I can stay motivated to follow through. 15 pounds sounds like a lot, but I was trying to think of it in other ways, and it's not that big of a number. Like, imagine having only 15 people show up to see a musical. That's nothing! It's not such a scary number if you think about it that way.

I like it when I'm in "this" mood. Where I'm motivated and on top of things and interested and lively and just enjoying life and not feeling so self-conscious and moody. I kind of go through phases. I don't know if it's hormones or sleep or what. I'll go through a few days where I just can't do anything, homework, exercise, talk to people, nothing.. and I'll just go home and bitch and whine and sleep and not get anything done. And then I'll get inspired or have a random change of fate and my mood will get back up and I'll be able to actually function again.

Oh, except I forgot to catch up in Pride and Prejudice. Whatever. I doubt anyone else in my class has either. I love the book, but I hate being forced to do anything. It just makes it seem so much less appealing.

Something I never really thought about was a life without having children. Everyone seems to just assume that the only life path is to get a good job, get married, and get pregnant and raise a family. I don't know why it just hit me today, but it did, and it feels like a really big weight off my shoulders. I don't think I could give up so much of my time, money, love, and effort to someone who (based on the events of me and my parents as well as my parents and their parents) won't even truly appreciate the effort and probably won't even really connect deeply until long after they've gone off to college and started their own lives.

There's a whole world out there that I could explore, and I don't have to wait for anyone. I'd love to get involved in a lifestyle like that, where I make enough money to live comfortably and travel and learn and do new things all the time with people I know and love because we connect on a personal level and not because they came out of my vagina.

It's a strange thought, but I love it. It questions my very existence, yet the promise of a future life of better quality seems more sure under the idea of being child free. If there's one thing I've learned, it's not to depend on people. People are human, they make mistakes, they can't read your mind, and they let you down one way or another. And while good bonds are not easy to find, they're not so impossible that you absolutely have to create new humans entirely to quench your craving to love and be loved. Why invest so much time and money when your children might only let you down?

You'd think that people signing their life away for at least eighteen years would think a little more about it, but society is amazing in its ability to throw a hissy fit over 2 cent changes in gas prices while popping out baby after baby (that on average cost parents $250,000 each) with little thoughts of the repercussions.

Anyways, who knows. I'm pretty good at doing the sorts of things that people wouldn't really expect of me.

HELLO, AM I THE ONLY DEEP PERSON IN THE WORLD?

God. Feels like it. People talk and talk to me and no one really wants to know how I actually feel. I don't even know my parents anymore. They buy me dinner then eat it before I get home, don't bother to save me a spot so I park down the street and am late to school everyday because of it, then I come upstairs and it just reeks like cigarettes and when I go to ask if my mom has sent the signed permission thing for Humboldt I have to wait outside their locked door for ten minutes and then when my dad finally opens it he's just pissed and yelling at me and they're all jumping to conclusions about all the things I'm doing wrong right that moment or have done wrong in the day (even though I just got home).

For all the people I give favors without asking for anything in return, for every time I say "No well he's actually really nice," when people talk shit about other people, I come home and just feel like shit and I know there probably isn't a soul out there giving me any good thought. Because honestly, no one really cares about anyone other than themselves. I'm excited for college because I think I might meet people there who will change my life. I'm excited to leave this stupid family and this stupid house and never come back. I don't want to. I can't even ask for money to buy toothpaste without them making me feel like some spoiled brat who only comes to talk to ask for money.

Anyways, I feel better now. It's not really that big of a deal, I guess. Everyone has problems with family. I can't expect to actually enjoy their company. I don't think those families exist, the ones where Mom cooks dinner every night and Dad brings home enough money so we can talk about something other than our debt.

My life will get better, because I'm going to make it. I'm going to get a job and save up money to buy myself a better car, something to replace my stolen iPod, and I'm going to go to Humboldt and room with Lizzie and hang out with my cousins a bunch more and meet new people and lose weight and learn a lot about life and about myself and it's going to be great because I'm not waiting anymore.

The question is where to get a job? I know too much about the places in this town, so I'm too picky. I may try the Starbucks by McDonalds, Pet Arcade again, or.. I can't really think of any other places. I know my first job is just supposed to suck, but I'm not going to let myself get stuck doing daily shit that I can't stand. Or maybe I'll work at Rolling Hills, or I can work at Harvest Market with Caitlin. :P

At musical rehearsal tonight, the actors were doing some dance stuff so we all walked the props back to the music room. With two boxes of cardboard typewriters I strut out on my own, and then I'm alone. The singing is fading away, and that crazy little choreographer woman is yelling something. She gets the whole group so energized, she's just amazing.

The thought that hits me then is how much this feels like those moments in movies when The Heroin steps outside of a party and then The Villain (or variation of such) comes out and 'gets' her. I'm kind of walking slower now, liking the silence, but I don't really think I'm much of a heroin. My hair is never styled right, you can see where the mascara brush left footprints around my eyes, my skin is red, my lips are too small, my jaw is too big, and then I just want to throw those damn cardboard typewriters and their dented pieces of paper and watch them all tumble and flutter away in the wind and just turn around and walk away from everything.

I want meaning in my life. I love musical tech, but it tires me out so quickly. I'm not meant for this - talking to a billion people, remembering a billion random things about vanity tables and patching lights and sliding doors, trying to be in control without becoming The Scared Angry Bitch who uses aggression as defense. It's fun, but it's too much.

For a long time I thought meaning meant having really close friends and having a boyfriend and the like. Then, whether it was me or them who started it, I sort of built a wall between my deeper self and the world. I might have planted each painful brick, but it was the people I knew who slapped on the mortar, every time they didn't ask me how or why, every time they took a single 'no' as an answer from me, every time they forgot to pick me up from school. Even my immediate family feels kind of foreign to me at times.

I still have those dreams about people reading my diary and finally feeling like I can have friends who really know me, but I don't try so hard anymore. Instead I wrote in lj, but after that just became a pile of drama and bad feelings, I started to write here. I don't really expect or need people to read these long-ass, stupid emotional rant posts, but somehow it just feels better knowing they could. It gives what I write the legs to walk and the will to live.

High school sucked, but I seem to have luck for a better chance at life every four years or so, and so I'm excited for college. I learned a lot about people and about myself at San Marin. I'm so much different now than I was when I came here, it's amazing.

Now I'm tired and I can't remember why I even started this post, ugh... The time I waste trying to sort out this stuff in my head.. ridiculous. AND I DIDN'T DO MY BIO HOMEWORK. UGH. "Screw that class, seriously," says the girl who wants to be a biologist.

So today I heard about someone talking about me behind my back, and it was strange. You don't realize how much your actions affect others until you find out that they've been worth someone else to complain about. What sucks is while I really want to get feedback from other people so that I can improve as a person, I'm really sensitive. Of course I laugh it off with others, because I don't want to discourage later criticism, but when I got home I really had to sit down and just focus on convincing myself that it didn't matter. And it wasn't even a huge insult of any kind. I just get way too affected by that kind of thing. It's the INFP in me.

I'm proud of myself though, because I ended the day happily.

The subject of the day for me was Buddhism today. Since everyone kind of categorizes it as a religion, I always imagined it to just be a rip-off of Christianity. I mean, I understood the basics of it, but for some reason I never really understood it until today. It's such a wonderful mindset, because there's no weird Adam and Eve fairy tales that are supposed to be real stories, and there's no single superior creator or anything like that. It's really just about being a better person. There's no rules to win a spot in heaven or anything like that and it doesn't really actually go against much that science states. Not to mention meditation and being good-natured has to be the best way to live.

You never realize how much noise there is in your head until you sit in a quiet room and try to make it go away. Seriously, close your eyes right now, turn off your music or whatever, and just try to think of absolutely nothing. It's difficult, isn't it? It's maddening to think I deal with this jabberjabberjabber about random things in my mind all day. No wonder it's so easy to get stressed out.

Well, I'm gonna go to the gym and sweat a little. Yeahhhh whoop.