6 posts tagged “health”

Summer can go a few ways. I could be productive, and do all the things I know I want to, like do some deep cleaning and throw a bunch of my crap away, or I can do the thing I should and get a job and start saving money, or I can do the thing I've done the past summers - which is absolutely nothing. Every summer is the same. I lounge around, cut myself off from society, play computer games, read books, write, and eat. And every summer I gain a bunch of weight and come back to school just as socially awkward as I was at the beginning of last year.

It terrifies me to think I'll gain even more weight, most of all. I could care less about anything else, but you have no idea how terrible it is to look at old photographs and think of how easy it was to get from there to here. It feels like it's impossible to change myself, now, like I'll always just be the chubby one. It's not like I have a huge problem with being a little fat, but I know that I could easily feel so much better if I was just 10 or 15 pounds less.

It's inertia, though. I'm so stuck on this path of staying inside, being lazy, eating crap, and hating myself for it, that it's hard to change. It's like the choice between rolling a boulder downhill or pushing it uphill. It would take a lot of self-motivation and help from others to roll it up. I've directly asked people to help me, and even though they go "sure!" the next day they've totally forgotten about anything but their own problems. I hate it.

Ugh. I hate this. Fuck summer, fuck this. I want to be at college, doing shit. I don't want to get a fucking job when I'm moving away in two months. By the time Ben Franklin's calls me back I'll be in fucking college, I guarantee it. ARGH. I'm so pissed. I hate this. I want to work at a fish store, or a dog groomers, or somewhere I actually like and can stay and make bonds and commitments. I want to be with my family, with my cousins, who will hang out with me more than once a month. I really miss those days when having a best friend really meant that - someone you hang out with every single day, tell all your secrets to, know everything about. Not someone who might take you on errands with them once a week.

I'm really tempted to move up to Arcata over the summer now. The only thing I think I'd actually miss is the pond, because I'm a bitch. Wow. It's such a good idea. Once I get my laptop, I really want to. If I could find a job there, that would be so sick. I could be free!

I started this post okay, and then I just tumbled into illiteracy. Blah.

Today was nice. Drama tech was fun, and I got my moment of productivity in too, but being drama there was plenty of down time to catch up with people and eat breadsticks. Mrs K only got pepperoni pizza and so Jessie went and got some vegetarian food for us. The funny thing is I wasn't even especially hungry so it wasn't a big deal, but it still really irked me. Every now and then you'll run into people who really respect you for not eating meat, but most of the time it's a sour "indifference." Maybe non-veg people feel offended that I would go to say their way of living is wrong, maybe they just feel guilty, maybe they think I'm going to judge them like I see all non-vegetarians as blood-thirsty savages..

My biggest pet peeve is the assumptions people make just based off of the WORD. Vegetarian. The first thought it brings to people's minds is vegetables, and so the first question they ask is, "lol don't u liek get sick of vegetables?" UGH. What fucking planet do you live on, honestly? Some planet where the only choice for dinner is a steak or a celery stick? ...

For your information, vegetarians still eat milk and eggs, and cheese too! Mostly I eat things like bagels, pasta, sandwiches, cottage cheese, veggie burgers, tofu.. I love fruit, and cheez-its, and lots of other normal-people foods. Every now and then I'll bite a carrot, or I'll have some corn or green beans, but really the only vegetable I love and eat frequently are tomatoes. Delish. I'm actually still very unhealthy. Sure, I might be at less risk for heart problems because I don't get so much of that gross animal gunk in my veins, but I do still get it from dairy products and eggs. And the whole thing about people losing weight from being vegetarian is a bunch of bullshit. In fact, it's easy to gain more weight, because your food is often limited to high-carb things like pasta and bread.

I'd like to go vegan. But that's a big jump for me. Going vegetarian was ridiculously easy. It was practically easier than eating meat, because now I didn't have to get that guilty feeling every time I noticed some part of the meat to actually be a little bone or a leg or a wing or some other body part that used to be part of an animal. It's actually pretty easy to get vegetarian food, but being vegan means even a lot of the seemingly harmless foods become uneatable. Most bread, for example, has milk in it.. For taste, I guess, but really it's unnecessary. So I'm excited to go to Humboldt, because I think being there would be a good motivation for me and I'd get enough support there to not die of starvation.

Sometimes it's like I'm watching my life through some other perspective, like I'm not me - I'm just the narrator. That's even how I dream nowadays. It's never me doing something, but me watching someone I know as me.

There's a lot of things I should do. But I can't. I'm so tired and uninterested sometimes. I should probably eat better seeing as I've been bleeding out of my vagina for nearly four straight weeks and my skin itches so bad that I'm covered in scabs. I can't focus on anything and each little let down is like another ton of bricks to the face.

I went in after school to Photo today and Ms Mo wasn't even there. I don't think people notice when I make an effort.

Today I went on a photo shoot in O'hair park. It was kind of strange and I have a feeling all these pictures are going to suck, but I have four rolls of film to show for it so who am I to complain. I can never get out to do shoots, but once I'm out with my camera I love it. It was funny, because when I went with Zach and Elliot they snapped two pictures and were done. I could have stayed for hours and taken pictures of each little detail.

I was mulling through the internet today and I found this:
http://www.cockeyed.com/photos/bodies/heightweight.shtml
It's a photographic height-weight thing. It's really interesting to see. I never realized how much heavier guys naturally are than girls. Plus looking at mine, it made me feel a lot better about myself too. Then I got really motivated and researched all this exercise information and now I'm determined to lose 2 pounds a week.

Usually these weight-loss attempts of mine never get very far, but this one actually makes sense to me so I think I can do it. I just have to stay interested. I think so long as I actually lose the expected 2 pounds each week, I can stay motivated to follow through. 15 pounds sounds like a lot, but I was trying to think of it in other ways, and it's not that big of a number. Like, imagine having only 15 people show up to see a musical. That's nothing! It's not such a scary number if you think about it that way.

I like it when I'm in "this" mood. Where I'm motivated and on top of things and interested and lively and just enjoying life and not feeling so self-conscious and moody. I kind of go through phases. I don't know if it's hormones or sleep or what. I'll go through a few days where I just can't do anything, homework, exercise, talk to people, nothing.. and I'll just go home and bitch and whine and sleep and not get anything done. And then I'll get inspired or have a random change of fate and my mood will get back up and I'll be able to actually function again.

Oh, except I forgot to catch up in Pride and Prejudice. Whatever. I doubt anyone else in my class has either. I love the book, but I hate being forced to do anything. It just makes it seem so much less appealing.

I seem to go through interest phases throughout my life. They last a few weeks each. Some stick with me, such as being a vegetarian, while others don't, such as the polyphasic sleep thing I went on and on about a while back. I like to explore the different aspects and options I have in life, I like to learn and I love to grow and change as a person. It's the best feeling to look back and realize how much you've learned and grown in the past year or two or five. Recently I've been really into this personality research done by these scientists named Myers and Briggs.

There are sixteen different personalities, and while that doesn't sound like a lot for the 6 billion people in the world, I guarantee you 100% that one of those personalities will be so much like yourself it'll scare the socks off you. I mentioned it before - I'm INFP. Sometimes I feel like I'm a little ENFP too, but everytime I read that personality description it sounds so much like my mother I want to hurl. And believe me, this need to be unlike my mother goes beyond just some random, rebellious teenager-exclusive emotion. I'm not really a hateful person. I'm critical and outspoken sometimes, sure, but when it comes down to it I'm very forgiving of people. Not Mom though. I used to appreciate her until I learned a few things.

..Anyways, I didn't click Create to write a post about my stupid family.

I've definitely grown out of that stage where you just want to be cool and fresh and the sharpest, most stylish person. Sure, I appreciate looking nice, but beauty is a simpler concept nowadays. I walked into Tilly's today and felt completely out of place. This is going to sound stupid, but it seems like as soon as I cut my hair short, my life went to shit. And it's just been getting worse and worse. I don't believe in fate very much, but it's creepy. I have decided I'm going to grow my hair out. And I'm not going to dye it anymore either. I feel so toxic and chemically fried, stuffed with saturated fats and manufactured sugars, so I popped onto Google today and searched DETOX.

You know what came up most common? Fasting. Western culture is actually a lot more ridiculous than most cultures. It's hard to think about seeing as we were raised here, but despite a lot of people being all pro-life and atheist and vegetarian here, we don't really get it. We know the steps to take, stop eating meat, buy organic food, but I don't think a whole lot of people understand more to it beyond going through the motions. Everyday you bite into a McDonald's burger, your body is building itself with that shit. Your stomach isn't a magician - it can't break down that fat and sugar-saturated crap you call food into the nutrients it needs. I know I'm not one to talk, but at least I'm learning.

What fasting does is breaks down all that crap you've been building up. In lack of food, the energy usually spent digesting is used to break down all of the excess, gross cells in your body. Acne isn't about the right face wash - it's about the toxins in your body. Drinking water helps your skin because it makes it less likely that the toxins you eat with meals will stick and give you those bumps on your face. Of course, fasting for more than one or two days can get intense and really isn't what I'm looking into. I'm not that intense or deep yet.

Anyways. I'm really excited about life. It feels like going to college will be the beginning of my life for real. Hopefully I'll take that chance and get the happiness I failed to in high school.

Blueberries are the most amazing, scrumptious fruits in the entire world. If I had to pick one thing to eat for the rest of my life, it would be blueberries. They just feel nice, all soft but firm and when you put them in your mouth they are sweet and never tart, and it's never a flavor that overwhelms or gives you a bad aftertaste. I especially enjoy them recently refrigerated and freshly washed.

In my opinion, fruit should have a bigger role on the food pyramid. Think about it. Our closest relatives are what?

Monkeys. What do they eat?

FRUIT. Yes, yes, they are omnivores, but I hardly think they're basing their lives off of food pyramids like we are. They just grab whatever strikes their fancy. And a lot of the time that's a banana.

Well, blueberries are simple amazing. Today I forced my mom to let me go with her to the store, so I could make completely sure that she got fruit. She's pretty good about it - you know, the usuals like apples and oranges and bananas. But unless I'm standing there rattling off a list of facts as to why buying this crate of blueberries is going to make my life so much better, she'll ignore it. Because they're expensive.

My mom will spend money on beer and cigarettes but she won't buy me my favorite, not to mention one of the healthiest, fruits. My dad will spend money on Pepsi, cheese, and popcorn, but if I ask for fruit I'll be lucky to get a bundle of green, bruised bananas. I am so ready to get out of this house.