4 posts tagged “goals”

Today was nice. I came home, laid around, went to the pool, took a cold shower, took a nap.. I've been dying for this kind of day forever. For something I didn't have fun doing, drama took a lot of my time. I have to remember not to get into anymore shitty classes or things like that in college. I'm such an idealist, I can look at any situation and imagine it better, so a lot of the time I forget to be real and look at it as it probably will be.
 
It's been so freaking hot lately.. It gives me tons of summer nostalgia, like the smell of sunscreen does. I want to go to the river and jump off cliffs with my cousins and drive through the redwood trees with the windows rolled down listening to the Talking Heads. I love those times more than anything. It's a big reason why I'm going to Humboldt, why I can get over the fact that I'm going to be the only straight-edge person up there, because I just love the area and the family I have there.

There's a few things I want to do over the summer. First and foremost, I want a job. I'm really not a heavy spender, but I hate asking my parents for money when I do need things. I'd rather spend my own money on my things than ask them for money at times.

Next, I'm going to take Jap at COM over the summer. I've had to wait like, a billion years to get the chance, but I finally get to. I need something to keep me off my ass and not sleeping in and turning into a couch potato. Hopefully it won't be too scary hard. I'm just interested in it for fun, really, I don't care too much about memorizing billions of characters.

On top of that, I'm hoping to lose some weight. It's important for me to stay focused. A lot of the time I'll start working on it, lose 5 pounds, feel accomplished and then get too high on my success and stop really trying.

Anyways, I can't sit in this room anymore. It's too hot. I can't handle this climate.

Today my mom was saying Boomer's not smart anymore because he doesn't hunt mice as much. "Just because he's lazy doesn't mean he's stupid, Mom," I said. The smartest people in the world can also be the laziest people in the world, because they're clever enough to know how to get by without hardly any effort.

"Yeah, but he's not sharp anymore. He used to be so sharp," she said.

And that got me thinking. I mean, if I was Boomer, I'd get tired of bringing home kills every night when all we did was throw it over the fence afterwards. And even if we did, for some reason, enjoy the many dead rodents and birds on our back porch, is that enough to remain an inspired hunter?

The world moves so fast. Everything is about due dates and getting stuff done, and we're all trying to work harder and faster and be more efficient and better and sharper. But why? What good is that at all? Everyone has this list of things they 'have' to do, and it's all connected. Have to get to school on time, have to get that A in math, have to get into that college, have to get that Masters degree, have to get that job, that spouse, that house, that family. But WHY? What the hell is the god damned difference if I get my degree when I'm twenty than when I'm thirty? Why are we rushing rushing rushing to get all these things done that you "have" to?

To get the most amount of "things I've done" on your stupid list of life when it's all over? Is that the fucking purpose of life? I'll shoot myself if that's all it's about - having more stuff and meaningless accomplishments than your neighbor. It's this big, stupid pointless race. Is anyone in it because they want to be? I mean really, really want to be? There's a difference between wanting the trophy at the end and wanting to run a race.

So maybe there are people out there who enjoy things at a faster rate. People who run for the race, but they break records every time. And so what do the people who can't keep up do? What happens when you can't qualify for any of the races you want to run now because of these sprinters? What happens is people lose passion. They can't do what they love, and so what do they do instead? They stop feeling and they start thinking. They do what they think they "have" to, instead of doing what they know they want to.

I don't want to live in this world anymore. It feels like I'm running a race, but I don't want to. I feel like I have to win that god damn medal at the end to do what I want. But I'm not running, I'm being dragged, kicking and screaming, by my other half, the one who cares what people think of me and cringes when I get another bad mark on a test. I think that other half of me is dying. The real me is winning. I stopped caring. Bio, math, english, just fuck it. I do what I want. I'm sick and tired of living for tomorrow - I'm going to live for today and the rest of the world can fuck themselves.

Today I went on a photo shoot in O'hair park. It was kind of strange and I have a feeling all these pictures are going to suck, but I have four rolls of film to show for it so who am I to complain. I can never get out to do shoots, but once I'm out with my camera I love it. It was funny, because when I went with Zach and Elliot they snapped two pictures and were done. I could have stayed for hours and taken pictures of each little detail.

I was mulling through the internet today and I found this:
http://www.cockeyed.com/photos/bodies/heightweight.shtml
It's a photographic height-weight thing. It's really interesting to see. I never realized how much heavier guys naturally are than girls. Plus looking at mine, it made me feel a lot better about myself too. Then I got really motivated and researched all this exercise information and now I'm determined to lose 2 pounds a week.

Usually these weight-loss attempts of mine never get very far, but this one actually makes sense to me so I think I can do it. I just have to stay interested. I think so long as I actually lose the expected 2 pounds each week, I can stay motivated to follow through. 15 pounds sounds like a lot, but I was trying to think of it in other ways, and it's not that big of a number. Like, imagine having only 15 people show up to see a musical. That's nothing! It's not such a scary number if you think about it that way.

I like it when I'm in "this" mood. Where I'm motivated and on top of things and interested and lively and just enjoying life and not feeling so self-conscious and moody. I kind of go through phases. I don't know if it's hormones or sleep or what. I'll go through a few days where I just can't do anything, homework, exercise, talk to people, nothing.. and I'll just go home and bitch and whine and sleep and not get anything done. And then I'll get inspired or have a random change of fate and my mood will get back up and I'll be able to actually function again.

Oh, except I forgot to catch up in Pride and Prejudice. Whatever. I doubt anyone else in my class has either. I love the book, but I hate being forced to do anything. It just makes it seem so much less appealing.

Tonight I taught Andre the only card trick I know so he can take it to class with him. It's really simple - not magic at all, just a trick of numbers. It was so cute the way he laid out the cards like they were made of glass, and then he started dealing them backwards and would always go to grab the wrong piles.

I watched this movie the other day called The Secret, and it really changed the way I look at the world. It's sort of like What The Bleep Do We Know except without all the stupid, funny scenarios and cartoons and stuff that just ended up kind of making me take the movie less seriously. Plus it was a lot more focused on the human thought and not so much on just the laws of science of the world, which is a subject that applies a lot more to me, obviously. Not that gravity and I aren't constantly running into each other, ha. Today at musical rehearsal I almost totally ate it on stage. It would have been amazing.

What I love is how I'm not doing my essay for English right now. I will, eventually. Just not now. San Marin is really the only thing in my life now that I don't want. That Krakora phrase "You're always where you want to be" is actually quite applicable, though only once you're out of the public school system the world forces you through. I'm interested to see how it feels to do college homework, considering that it's something I'm choosing to put money into rather than something some US government official decided all people my age should be doing. Nothing wrong with the public school system - I love the idea behind it - I just can't get passionate about something I didn't actually sign up for.

So starting tomorrow, I'm doing this 30-day thing where I will clean/organize physical things for at least 30 minutes a day. 30-day trials are perfect for breaking out of bad habits or acquiring good ones, because it's not so scary as saying "I WILL CLEAN EVERYDAY FOREVER." Because 30 days and then I can decide whether I want to keep going or go back to being a lazy slob. :D So yes, I will be updating that as best as I can, because if I don't keep a log I'll forget or something.