2 posts tagged “drama tech”

I really like my alone time. I love to sit in my car and just listen to music, or take long drives and just listen to music, or just go out and find some secluded place and sit there and listen to the wind. I love it because I don't do it for anyone but myself. It's different than going on the internet alone, or reading a book alone, because when I'm reading about characters or chatting or playing games, it's not really the same.

Today was the last day of the play. We strike the set tomorrow, and I'm glad. I don't really care for drama, and while I liked the musicals, I wasn't even very attached to those. After curtain call though, we were all just standing around and everyone was hugging and getting flowers.. I hate that time, and I usually make myself as busy as I can cleaning up so I can avoid the obvious lack of love for me in that crowd, but with drama there isn't much to do. Ryan came up to me after the show tonight and he gave me a hug, and it was so kind of him because it wasn't like one of those awkward crowd situations where he was kind of obligated to hug everyone.

I don't know if it was completely random or if he knew I was feeling down, but it was still nice. It's kind of frustrating how it's so easy for me to lie nowadays. I mean, sometimes when I'm lying about something funny I can't help but smile, but when it comes to my thoughts and my feelings I feel like the biggest faker in the world. Yeah, yeah, the world doesn't revolve around me, but I wish I could at least feel like I actually had my feet on this world. Sometimes I just feel like a ghost. I don't stand out, I don't make an impression, people don't know who I am. I never really get compliments.

In the end, it's always just me. I can't see myself having a life where I have lots of solid friends, or a family. The only thing I can see for sure being in the future is me, with my hobbies, and my thoughts. At least I'm the kind of person who can do okay on only that much.

I'm getting myself really depressed now. I'm just gonna go to bed. Screw school tomorrow, seriously.

Today was nice. Drama tech was fun, and I got my moment of productivity in too, but being drama there was plenty of down time to catch up with people and eat breadsticks. Mrs K only got pepperoni pizza and so Jessie went and got some vegetarian food for us. The funny thing is I wasn't even especially hungry so it wasn't a big deal, but it still really irked me. Every now and then you'll run into people who really respect you for not eating meat, but most of the time it's a sour "indifference." Maybe non-veg people feel offended that I would go to say their way of living is wrong, maybe they just feel guilty, maybe they think I'm going to judge them like I see all non-vegetarians as blood-thirsty savages..

My biggest pet peeve is the assumptions people make just based off of the WORD. Vegetarian. The first thought it brings to people's minds is vegetables, and so the first question they ask is, "lol don't u liek get sick of vegetables?" UGH. What fucking planet do you live on, honestly? Some planet where the only choice for dinner is a steak or a celery stick? ...

For your information, vegetarians still eat milk and eggs, and cheese too! Mostly I eat things like bagels, pasta, sandwiches, cottage cheese, veggie burgers, tofu.. I love fruit, and cheez-its, and lots of other normal-people foods. Every now and then I'll bite a carrot, or I'll have some corn or green beans, but really the only vegetable I love and eat frequently are tomatoes. Delish. I'm actually still very unhealthy. Sure, I might be at less risk for heart problems because I don't get so much of that gross animal gunk in my veins, but I do still get it from dairy products and eggs. And the whole thing about people losing weight from being vegetarian is a bunch of bullshit. In fact, it's easy to gain more weight, because your food is often limited to high-carb things like pasta and bread.

I'd like to go vegan. But that's a big jump for me. Going vegetarian was ridiculously easy. It was practically easier than eating meat, because now I didn't have to get that guilty feeling every time I noticed some part of the meat to actually be a little bone or a leg or a wing or some other body part that used to be part of an animal. It's actually pretty easy to get vegetarian food, but being vegan means even a lot of the seemingly harmless foods become uneatable. Most bread, for example, has milk in it.. For taste, I guess, but really it's unnecessary. So I'm excited to go to Humboldt, because I think being there would be a good motivation for me and I'd get enough support there to not die of starvation.