Heatherly

Yay new layout.

nobody@vox.com(Heather) — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 00:31:25 -0700

It's funny because the laptop actually has a much brighter screen than my old computer, so a lot of images look different now. My layout, too. Only after I got my lappy did I actually notice that the white smudges were actually eyes of these funny little black creatures. I didn't mind them, but I felt like changing it anyways. So now we have this.

Today I went to the city with my whoole family and we had dinner at this nice restaurant where my uncle was playing in a jazz group. It was as family outings usually are, where everyone is bickering and things are always going wrong and any laughs we have are usually at someone else's expense, but it was still fun. We don't ever do family-like things. Lucas really has changed, I realized. I think it has to do with this friend he has, Travis. One time Lucas mentioned how Travis is cool because he's always so happy and chill, and ever since then I've been noticing that Luke seems to try pretty hard to be like that. He never complains or talks down about anything, really, aside from complaining about other people's complaining.

It made me realize that I'd like to be less abrasive as a person. I mean, I'm not really when it comes to friends, but the better I know people (my family) the looser my tongue is, and the more things I say that I regret. I want to be able to communicate well and resolve conflicts. It seems like a lot of disputes and problems that people run into each other are because they just didn't communicate. If I could just always be genuinely happy and relaxed and know how to word my desires and intentions clearly as well as listen to and understand others just as much, I don't think I would have any regrets about myself as a person.

Tomorrow I leave for Crescent City to visit family.. I'm really excited to see everyone, even though from what I've been hearing it's been a huge dramafest since some things went down on the 4th of July. Whatever though, mang. I'm still excited. I love having a big family!

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Fourth of July: The REMIX!

nobody@vox.com(Heather) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 01:17:25 -0700

So today I went to the fair with Akiko. It was as fairs always are - loud and obnoxious. I love seeing all the weird people come out of their holes to celebrate a country of greed and gluttony in the form of rides that make you nauseous and expensive "food" that makes you even more nauseous.

It was fun. I made Akiko go on the big spinning room one and I don't think she liked it, and then she nearly killed herself on these moving stairs in the crazy house, but overall it was a good day. There were many interesting things that happened, but what I want to talk about were the fireworks.

Usually at these things I find a seat farther from everyone else, and so it surprised me when Akiko and I sat in the main section that there was music to accompany it. The first song they played was one I have on my iTunes, though I can't remember the name of it I knew all the words, but after that it just got worse and worse. Then the fireworks started being coreographed with the music.. and I couldn't help but laugh. Here's one clip that shows the amazing lameness they resorted to. Announcing my first original video on my vox!

Gay Fireworks

..Like, seriously? I wish they could just cut the crap and give us some real, hardcore explosions. The finale was pretty good but other than that there weren't many big ones. Big fireworks, like those ones that fill up the sky to the point where you feel like it might hit you, or the ones that turn into golden ash and rain down like the sad arms of a willow tree. Of course they had none of my favorite willow tree fireworks... Just a bunch of red, white, and blue. So expected. Pretty, but lame. It's like putting the Mona Lisa in a cardboard frame. Though just why everyone is infatiuated with that boring painting is beyond me...

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When your heart is an empty room, with walls of the deepest blue.

nobody@vox.com(Heather) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 02:01:16 -0700

Close-up

I want a best friend again. I need that one person I can actually trust. And I can't tell anymore, whether not having one is just because there aren't any to have, or because I've become the kind of person who will be always, deep down, be completely alone.

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CREEPY THINGS HAPPEN TO ME.

nobody@vox.com(Heather) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 00:40:17 -0700

So after writing that post today, you know the one where I mention how I'm not living but surviving, I suddenly remembered I had yet to get the StumbleUpon add-on for Firefox. I went and added it, and this little pop up came as the bar added itself to my browser, and as I clicked it away I accidentally clicked the stumble button and it took me to this site:

http://www.livingorsurviving.com/

Uhh what the fuck.

I don't know, you have to admit that's a leeeetle bit weird..

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This isn't me, it's just the half that I have.

nobody@vox.com(Heather) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:59:13 -0700

Roads and Sunsets

I'm bored out of my brains, and I couldn't care less. I think I've talked about this before, but I feel like talking about it again.

I can't stop feeling so apathetic. Every night, I set my alarm early in hopes of waking up sharp, going on a run, eating well, cleaning my room, and maybe calling some people and actually being social. Every day I declare that tomorrow will be the day I change me life, for good, for real this time. Then I wake up to my alarm, bleary-eyed and ticked as hell, turn it off, and climb back under the covers and go back to that happy, warm place I only ever meet in sleep.

Usually four or five hours later, I wake up after too much sleep with a sore back, a bad taste in my mouth, and a strong hatred for the world that continually starts each day before I can join it. From that point, I lounge about the house and do nothing. Every now and then I'll look out the window and think, it's nice out, I'm missing such great possibilities. Even if I'm ugly, I'm still young and have a car and legs, so I can enjoy my life to some extent.

But each day, I tell myself, "tomorrow." It's pathetic and I hate myself for it, but as much as I know that I could have a good day if I just woke up early, just went on a run, just refused that bowl of ice cream, just cleaned my room, I have no true desire to have good days... I'm completely okay just having an average, lazy life day after day. It's not that I want to be better, I just want to want to be better, and so of course most of my attempts at improving the current state of things never gets anywhere. There's plenty of advice in books and on the internet how to improve yourself, but what about apathy? What about the people who know they should want to improve themselves, but can't find the will to care about anything? I pity the small part of me that has this desire to be a passionate person who lives her life without limits, because I can do nothing for it as I float into careless oblivion, where I will not be seen nor invisible, where I will always do just fine and no more and no less. I will survive, but what is that? How can it be "life" when I'm not dead, and not alive?

I guess that's it. I'm undead - I'm a real-life zombie who has stolen the body of a teenage girl. What's funny is, as sad as it is, I couldn't care less if this is how I lived the rest of my life. Never getting dressed, never doing my hair, lurking on my writing forums, staying indoors. Maybe my life really will be the crazy, worst possible life I've always kind of imagined and laughed at, where I have driven my friends away and I live the life of a hermit, always surviving on the bare minimum. It might not be that bad, really, so long as I always stay apathetic. At least then I won't care about the state of my life. And I've always liked cats, anyways.

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Different names for the same thing.

nobody@vox.com(Heather) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 00:15:17 -0700

So today I saw Wall-e with Andre. I like having a dorky little kid brother to go see movies with, even if the only movies he'll see are mostly kind of retarded. I've actually been really excited to see this though, because not only is it one of the first movies to be made after Disney bought Pixar, but Wall-e himself is probably the cutest robot you'll ever see.

Another-walle-robot

Now I'm going to talk about it because I'm a loser. For robots, all of the characters had really fleshed out personalities. It really surprised me how much you could really see their personalities even though their vocabulary tended to be very limited. Plus, all the misfit robots set free were absolutely hilarious. I thought that Eve was just going to be a pretty, bland robot that Wall-e happened to like, but really she was pretty deep, too. The gun on her arm was hilarious too, when she would just blow things up all the time.

Also, I loved Wall-e's pet cockroach. He kind of reminded me of the cricket in Mulan, if anyone remembers. Except he comes back to life after being killed and he lives in a twinkie. XD

Anyways, if anyone is thinking about seeing it, you definitely should.

In other news.. I'm loving my laptop. It's amazing. I have a bunch of space, and it's quieter and faster than my old computer, and it's alllll mine. None of Lucas's weird files or Dad's weird programs. He tried to get me to put Norton Antivirus on it and I was like Fuck. That. If any of you ever have that decision, don't waste money on that program. Sure, it will protect your computer, but so will other free, downloadable programs, which will probably be about ten times less controlling and not slow your computer down to a crawl when it forces itself on you and runs super huge applications randomly (at least super huge for my old computer.. lappy could probably handle it easy, but still). Uninstalling it from my old computer was evil. I had to actually open Norton, and then on purpose overdo my computer's work limits so that it had a mini-meltdown and it automatically asked me to end Norton Antivirus, which it wouldn't let me do manually, and only THEN after I had forced it to crash could I uninstall it. That program is seriously a wolf in sheep's skin.

Meh, what else.. I'm dreading the 4th of July because I don't have any plans and I want to go up and be with family but we're not going up until at least a couple days after the 4th, so... I don't know. I don't mind being alone - I pretty much have this whole summer. It's just extra depressing on the days when you know everyone else is having a good time, and you're just having an average day.

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All was golden when the day met the night.

nobody@vox.com(Heather) — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 14:05:20 -0700

08 When The Day Met The Night

Panic at the Disco

So, summer is amazing. I'm finally, completely free. I don't have a job, and I don't think Ben Franklin's is ever going to call me back, but whatever.. I'm turning out just like my dad, a lazy hermit, but I can't find the will to care. Who gives a crap if all I do is sit around everyday? I still am writing and doing my typical constant research about random topics, so it's not the same as people who just watch tv all day. Most of my hobbies are fairly intellectual, so I don't feel that bad when I use all of my time on them.

I'm basically just waiting. Part of me thinks that waiting is stupid, that I should go out and sieze the day, live life, love, laugh.. but the dominant part knows that that doesn't always work. Pretending like you're enjoying yourself can definitely help a gloomy mood, but it can't make you like your shitty town anymore than you already do. I can't be passionate about living when I don't like the life I'm in, especially so when I know a life I will enjoy more is on its way.

I've settled to wait. I'm content to just relax and enjoy it. I don't know why I was so rushed to get a job, those few weeks ago. Why did I want a job? Money. Why did I want money? Material items. And what good are those in the end? You buy objects to own them, but in the end they are the ones that own you. I can be happy with what I have, and I am. I don't need to get a job, my parents will still take care of me for now. I'll find something in Arcata or Eureka, but until then I'm going to enjoy these times when I can be completely unemployed and not have to care about it at all.

In other news, I downloaded the new album by Panic at the Disco, and was very surprised by it. It doesn't sound like them at all. I actually went and looked it up to make sure this wasn't some imposter band that I'd downloaded. It's so.. weird. It sounds much more mature, but I can't figure out whether or not it's their doing or their label's doing. I uploaded the song that's most caught my adoration right now - when the day met the night. It's actually really sweet, where the sun and the moon represent two people falling in love. And I think it matches this post well. And Maria, I don't care what you think.. lol. Panic at the Disco is different now! They took the '!' out! >P

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I don't know why, but..

nobody@vox.com(Heather) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 05:39:47 -0700

Flower Eclipse

I woke up about a half an hour ago and I can't sleep. I'm dead tired, but I can't. THE SUN ISN'T EVEN UP YET.

I have to admit, I'm kind of excited to see the sunrise, but still.. There's something very wrong about being up earlier than I was on most school days, during the summer.

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Inertia.

nobody@vox.com(Heather) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 22:01:18 -0700

Summer can go a few ways. I could be productive, and do all the things I know I want to, like do some deep cleaning and throw a bunch of my crap away, or I can do the thing I should and get a job and start saving money, or I can do the thing I've done the past summers - which is absolutely nothing. Every summer is the same. I lounge around, cut myself off from society, play computer games, read books, write, and eat. And every summer I gain a bunch of weight and come back to school just as socially awkward as I was at the beginning of last year.

It terrifies me to think I'll gain even more weight, most of all. I could care less about anything else, but you have no idea how terrible it is to look at old photographs and think of how easy it was to get from there to here. It feels like it's impossible to change myself, now, like I'll always just be the chubby one. It's not like I have a huge problem with being a little fat, but I know that I could easily feel so much better if I was just 10 or 15 pounds less.

It's inertia, though. I'm so stuck on this path of staying inside, being lazy, eating crap, and hating myself for it, that it's hard to change. It's like the choice between rolling a boulder downhill or pushing it uphill. It would take a lot of self-motivation and help from others to roll it up. I've directly asked people to help me, and even though they go "sure!" the next day they've totally forgotten about anything but their own problems. I hate it.

Ugh. I hate this. Fuck summer, fuck this. I want to be at college, doing shit. I don't want to get a fucking job when I'm moving away in two months. By the time Ben Franklin's calls me back I'll be in fucking college, I guarantee it. ARGH. I'm so pissed. I hate this. I want to work at a fish store, or a dog groomers, or somewhere I actually like and can stay and make bonds and commitments. I want to be with my family, with my cousins, who will hang out with me more than once a month. I really miss those days when having a best friend really meant that - someone you hang out with every single day, tell all your secrets to, know everything about. Not someone who might take you on errands with them once a week.

I'm really tempted to move up to Arcata over the summer now. The only thing I think I'd actually miss is the pond, because I'm a bitch. Wow. It's such a good idea. Once I get my laptop, I really want to. If I could find a job there, that would be so sick. I could be free!

I started this post okay, and then I just tumbled into illiteracy. Blah.

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FINALLY!

nobody@vox.com(Heather) — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 17:17:17 -0700

It's over, once and for all. I am free as a bird, and I can finally turn my back on high school.

Safe grad was alright.. Sort of like a quieter, closer version of the Disneyland trip, just because I got to experience the same sleepy headaches. I promised like three people I'd go to their grad parties today, and then I just didn't go.. and I feel really bad, but I know I would feel worse if I tried to drive somewhere loud and people talking and too much food. I just feel like crap, inside and out.

Anyways, I can't even remember what else I was going to write about. I'm gonna pass out.

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