Posts (page 2)

Bedroom View

It feels like I'm forgetting something. All day, I just keep wondering what big due date or forgotten thing is going to pop up, but nothing comes. It really looks like I'm done. High school is over. If I want, I don't ever have to see another classroom again. It's a trip. I need to stop talking about it.

I'm really worried about myself in the future. I really don't care about my life. I just care about my dreams. I dream about living in the redwoods and finding my prince in shining armor and being healthy and fit and doing well in school and being passionate about my studies, but I kind of feel like when I do finally get there I'll just shift my dreams to whatever comes next - owning a house and having a job or whatever.

I want to start caring. I want to care about the heres and nows and not just the maybes and the laters.. but I can't. I can't force myself to care. Every now and then I'll get into it, I'll start going on more runs and clean my room and actually hang out with people, and then it's like somebody flipped a switch and I just don't give a crap anymore, and I retreat to my room and watch random television shows and movies and read books and write. I feel like I'm never going to be anyone.

In other news, there's a new inhabitant of the pond! He's a water skeeter, and you have no idea how happy it made me to see him when I was sitting out there today. I've always thought they were awesome, and now I have one of my very own! I hope he has some babies or brings friends or something, because he's cool. And he helps eat all the dead things in there, too. If the pond wasn't in such a disgusting state I'd take a picture.

Speaking of pictures, I do plan to keep putting pictures in my posts. It makes things prettier, and I can actually do it now that I got the fucking uploader to work. My uncle came over yesterday and he was on my computer and he was like, "This thing is slow!" and I was like YES. I felt so justified. Everybody goes, "Waaah my computer's slow" but mine ACTUALLY IS. SO THERE.
 

Sundays are great. I've done nothing but sit around and re-read the Host, which is the best even though I've already read it. I also finally got my computer to let me upload pictures and so I now have a Flickr account where I can put everything and keep the files from cramping up my memory.

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So today, while my computer was going through one of its regular temper tantrums, I stepped back and started to look through my top dresser. You see, it's been this weird tradition of mine since I was little to have my top dresser just be a mini treasure chest of random items. It used to be a potpourri of toys, but recently I dumped everything childhood and filled it up again with a bunch of paper. Some with meaning, some completely blank.. A lot of my letters from college, report cards, test scores. I actually unearthed a gigantic Harry Potter poster, as well as my favorite book in the world, Harold and the Purple Crayon. I also found my journal from freshman year and the yellow one that I failed to complete sophomore/junior year.

It's strange to see how much I've changed. I mean, it's easy to see it in pictures, but it's hard to grasp how I've changed as a person. I don't know whether to feel good about it or not. I experienced so much more, then. My ups and downs were much more vivid - nowadays I tend to experience no radical ups or downs, everything is just okay.

So I really want to start writing stuff in my journal again. Maybe I'll do a combo written/photo journal..

Oh, and in other news, Big Brown didn't win the triple crown. It's funny because this black horse with some Indian name bolts out of the gate, gets 1st place within two seconds, and no one can touch him after that. Of course, though, all the focus goes to Big Brown. People are expecting a lame leg or something, but really, Big Brown was just having a bad day.

Disneyland was what I expected, for the most part. Just like Great America, except everything is tied together and realistic and neat to look at, though the rides themselves aren't especially thrilling. The best rides were in California Adventure, and I only got to go on two before we had to shove over.

Pirates of the Caribbean was probably the funniest ride, though, because there was this black kid behind us that said the funniest things. He was like, "Damn, that's a real rock! I touched it, and it's definitely real!" But you just had to hear him. That ride was also the one that was the coolest if you ignored the fact that there was hardly anything exciting happening, especially the room with the big ship that fired cannons.

The bus ride home was the strangest thing. I was one of the first people to get back onto the bus, and when I sat down I just leaned my head against the glass and the next thing I knew I opened my eyes and people were talking about the people who we were waiting for, Caitlin and Crystal. I must have actually been in deep sleep then, because I was so confused when I woke up. Phoebe was sitting next to me and I let her have the window seat because I'd had it the whole way there, and then.. After that, it was really on and off. It was hard to fall asleep on Phoebe's shoulder because I felt bad even though I knew she didn't mind, but there was nowhere else to put my head. I love to keep track of things like how much I sleep and how much I eat, but I really have no idea how much I slept. It was really disorienting, like entering a time portal or something. The ride home was really disorienting, especially after I got enough deep sleep to not be tired enough to fall asleep on Phoebe's shoulder anymore, and then I just tried to focus my eyes enough to read or stared at the endless blond fields.

It was strange to see the sun rise and know I hadn't slept at all. It's funny because it's not like I was tired when I got home, I just felt off. When I came home the first thing I did was eat some actual food, and shower, but after even those things didn't make me feel "right" I figured I should probably go to bed. So I went to bed at 6pm and woke up at 8am. When you sleep that much, it doesn't even feel good. My back and neck ached and I couldn't breathe out of my nose.

Now I'm just frustrated because my parents let my seedlings dry out and probably left my fish tank light on overnight according to the layer of blue-green algae on the sand.

Ugh, and this computer is so god damn slow... I can't fucking wait to get my laptop. I just wish it was a graduation gift instead of a leaving for college gift.

I was surprised I got so much as one award, so it's an understatement to say that I was shocked to get three awards. Honestly, if people could see in my head, I don't think they'd be so easy to give me awards. Mrs Nic giving me that Biology award felt kind of good, seeing as I really am interested in it and I like to understand it, though it's more likely because I was nice to her than because she recognized my fairly secretive but genuine interest.

Art club and tech I expected. It seems like the few things I do invest my time in, the results are tangible. It makes me feel better about myself, though I can only wonder how long into summer until the doubt creeps back in.

Tomorrow's Disneyland. I'm actually kind of glad to be on the blue bus, because I do have Phoebe to hang out with and I also discovered that Lizzie and Nick Paris are on the blue bus too, so I figure we can just form a geek squad in the back against all the cool people, even though Phoebe and Lizzie are probably cooler than Nick and I. I kind of wish we could have gone to Great America instead, because they actually have sick rides, but whatever. A senior trip is a senior trip.

What's funny is there were a few mix ups today with getting a yearbook, and when I eventually got one my mom was all surprised. She said she didn't ever pay for one, even though I swear I remember her texting me saying she did.. Anyways, that's super chill if I got one for free. :3

In other news, I'm excited for Humboldt!! I want to start a countdown, but I don't really have time to count the calendar right now. I should probably pack for Disneyland.

It's weird to think it's all over. I was just getting used to being a senior, and in a little over a week I'm not even going to be a high schooler anymore. Today I said to Lucas, "Hey, next year we're both going to be freshman!" and he laughed.

First of all, fuck yes! I am so ready to be done with this. Unbelievably ready. I think I was ready halfway through sophomore year. I'm not going to cry at graduation because I'm sorry but, I really didn't have fun in high school. I mean, freshman year was a roller coaster ride - scary, but fun in a thrilling way. Then I killed it during the summer, and no year of high school could ever compete. Sophomore year was okay. Cross country was fun that year and I did actually feel like I still had people I could trust and that liked me. Junior year was basically terrible, because on top all the tests and college prep pressures, I had a bunch of social drama to deal with which resulted in a big loss of trust in humankind altogether. So this year I've kept from getting attached. I viewed everything as if through the eyes of an observer, and really filtered out a lot of my emotions in place for logic. Logic works. I love it now.

Senior year itself wasn't so bad, but it really wasn't amazing either. I just did a lot of wisting for the past and craving for the future. There are individuals who have made this year tolerable and even something enjoyable - Maria, Akiko, Mica, Elliot are who I think of off the top of my head. The things I am going to remember fondly are trips to the city with my asians, practically living in the darkroom and partying with the photo kids on wednesdays and planting subliminal messages about megatron all throughout the classroom, going to ihop after musicals..

I'm so excited for Humboldt. I say it everyday, but I think about it everyday. I already know exactly where my room is, and I've actually found the facebooks of a few of the guys in the suite next to ours. I can't wait to live with my peers, to be able to go on runs in redwood forests whenever I want, to meet new people, to see the McKinnon clan whenever I want, to have a laptop, to take classes I care about, to be independent!

In other news, I'm totally exhausted and I still have that essay from hell (aka Berb's class) to write. Uggga.

It's weird to think it's all over. I was just getting used to being a senior, and in a little over a week I'm not even going to be a high schooler anymore. Today I said to Lucas, "Hey, next year we're both going to be freshman!" and he laughed.

First of all, fuck yes! I am so ready to be done with this. Unbelievably ready. I think I was ready halfway through sophomore year. I'm not going to cry at graduation because I'm sorry but, I really didn't have fun in high school. I mean, freshman year was a roller coaster ride - scary, but fun in a thrilling way. Then I killed it during the summer, and no year of high school could ever compete. Sophomore year was okay. Cross country was fun that year and I did actually feel like I still had people I could trust and that liked me. Junior year was basically terrible, because on top all the tests and college prep pressures, I had a bunch of social drama to deal with which resulted in a big loss of trust in humankind altogether. So this year I've kept from getting attached. I viewed everything as if through the eyes of an observer, and really filtered out a lot of my emotions in place for logic. Logic works. I love it now.

Senior year itself wasn't so bad, but it really wasn't amazing either. I just did a lot of wisting for the past and craving for the future. There are individuals who have made this year tolerable and even something enjoyable - Maria, Akiko, Mica, Elliot are who I think of off the top of my head. The things I am going to remember fondly are trips to the city with my asians, practically living in the darkroom and partying with the photo kids on wednesdays and planting subliminal messages about megatron all throughout the classroom, going to ihop after musicals..

I'm so excited for Humboldt. I say it everyday, but I think about it everyday. I already know exactly where my room is, and I've actually found the facebooks of a few of the guys in the suite next to ours. I can't wait to live with my peers, to be able to go on runs in redwood forests whenever I want, to meet new people, to see the McKinnon clan whenever I want, to have a laptop, to take classes I care about, to be independent!

In other news, I'm totally exhausted and I still have that essay from hell (aka Berb's class) to write. Uggga.

So I got an 80/80 on my ELM, which really just shows that it was kind of pointless for me to take. It makes me happy, though.

I'm super excited for Humboldt. I have my dorm in Cypress, which are the most awesomest because they're basically mini-houses and you don't have to share a bathroom with a whole row of rooms, just with your house mates. I'm ready to move in today. This might be the first summer I actually want to be shorter!

One thing I can't decide on is whether I should bring Sly or my fish tank. I've kept fish for a long time now and I like having a fish tank to look at, but the reality is that it'll be a pretty big hassle when I leave for breaks and stuff like that. Sly, on the other hand, will be really easy to transport. As long as I give him something to bury in and keep warm, I could practically transport him in my pocket. Plus he can go a long while without eating and his tank requires hardly any care.

I guess I just decided it for myself. It's a bummer, because while I'm gone it's likely that my family will just let my fish tank die and fall to pieces, but ah well. I doubt I'll get a dorm sophomore year, and so I can always keep a fish tank in whatever apartment I rent.

Another thing I'd like to do is Humboldt has a bunch of these outdoor trips before school starts. One I'm looking into is a weekend where we'd kayak out to a campsite and spend the night. It's only $70, and they rent all the equipment and stuff. Like, that's awesome. I'm just kind of scared that I'll sign up and because I don't know anyone I'll get really shy and quiet. I wish it was more easy for me to be confident.

In other news, school still sucks. For the past few days I'd had this really gut-wrenching nervous feeling, due to how behind I am in school and the lurking threat of losing credits, but looking forward and focusing on what's to come has made me feel better. I can't wait for summer, but more than that, I can't wait to be in college. :]

I have the ability to be completely infuriated with my school and yet too lax to really care whatsoever. It's kind of like superheated water. The temperature is enough to boil, but it just sits there smooth and innocent looking, because there's no friction in the container to allow the bubbles to form for it to boil.

I might not get to graduate, because I might end up losing credit in Berb's class for all my truancies. Something inside me said I should maybe feel a bit panicked, or worried, but I just kind of laughed. I mean, kids who got straight Ds and drank themselves drooling dumb every week end get to graduate, but a goody-two-shoes girl has to go to summer school because her fucked up school system is jinking her credits because her parents can never manage to call her in sick when she is? It's ridiculous. All I can do is laugh. It might be kind of fun to go to graduation just to watch, just to see how people react when I'm sitting with the audience and not wearing the hideous golden tablecloth my parents paid $30 for.

What's great is I had no idea. My mom showed me a paper saying I had three truancies, and the date was May 5th. I know I've skipped school since then, not including senior ditch day, and so it's not hard for me to believe that I've earned the five truancies to get to lose my credits. So, the attendance office has the time to call me down and say how I shouldn't leave without coming in and saying goodbye because it's such a big scary world out there I might die driving home and they might actually have to be responsible for something. I can totally understand how IMPORTANT that is, I mean especially compared to such unimportant things like whether I can graduate or whether I can go to college next year. So, of course, no need to call me down to the office to warn me about silly things like that.

On top of that, teachers are giving out homework still and I can't do it. I can't even bring myself to copy homework from other people anymore. It just doesn't matter to me anymore. Nothing does - but high school is definitely lower on the list. I know I should care, and I'm a little worried about how I really don't care, but nothing's going to change. If San Marin is going to be the one to pull the plug on my life and throw me for some forced changes, so be it. It has to happen sooner or later. Obviously I'm beyond self-improvement, so it's probably going to take some near-death experience to get me to give a shit at this point.

In happier news, Andre got two Robo dwarf hamsters today. They're are the stupidest, most adorable things you'll ever see. There's a fat one named Penny and a skinny one named Melly, who's completely obsessed with the wheel. She hasn't gotten off of it since we put her in the cage.

So this weekend was epic. Prom, then hanging out in the city, then Smash at Mica's house, then the beach.

Prom itself was.. eh. I just don't like things like that and I don't want to, either. Dancing is embarassing and mostly awkward on my part, and I'm glad I didn't now, on account of how many pictures Berb took of people dancing. I mean, I can dance for about ten seconds and then I run out of moves. The meals sucked and though the chocolate fountain was amazing it was so rich I about threw up after just one chocolate covered strawberry. I think the one thing I'll remember about prom was how cold it was. I'm walking around in a dress without socks or a jacket or anything, and it's freezing. Catching the taxi was death. I nearly got hypothermia.

The next morning we walked around Union Square and found this bitchin' jewelry store and this bitchin' natural soap store where I destroyed the sample body jelly they had because I thought you were supposed to take pieces off. Hahahaha it was really embarassing, but more funny than that. Then we went to Urban Outfitters and stared at amazing clothing I'll never own and then Mica and Aki and I went to Japan town and geeked it up and had an amazingly amazing lunch and dessert. I'm really bummed the manga cafe was closed though.

After that we bussed it home. The whole transportation part was surprisingly easy - usually it seems so stressful running around with ten miles of map in my hands and bus times and arguing about streets and transfers, but this time we just asked one person, jumped on that bus, got there and hung out, walked to the other bus stop, had the bus pull up practically moments later, got on, and arrived at home.

Mica always writes those posts about Smash, and I played it at her house and it was super fun. I was trying a bunch of these random characters because I didn't want to have a "girly" character like Mica was telling me about, but eventually I had to go back to good ol' Kirby. I freaking love Kirby. He's really easy to pwn people with, plus I'm just used to him. All of my childhood we played the N64 version, and Soy would always be Pikachu and I would always be Kirby. Good times...

The next day I went to the beach with Cheyanne and Sara for senior ditch day. It was awesome. We pigged out in the warm sand and then ran down and raced each other to find sand dollars. Cheyanne found like ten little ones but I found the only big one, so I think I won. She also found this awesome crab shell, but I accidentally crushed it with my hand when I was sitting on the blanket. It was really funny, but sad too, because it was so perfect and cool. I ran in the water until my feet hurt from the cold, and Cheyanne showed me how to catch these awesome little crab bug things that I never knew existed before. Then on the drive home we stopped and had a delicious meal at some random little restaurant and then we encountered all the intense traffic from the commuters being rerouted to the back roads because of that accident. It was freaky to see the usually empty streets turned into parking lots.

So yeah, fun weekend. I have a bunch of pictures I wanted to put up, but I can't find the charger for my camera, and because it's too retarded to charge off the computer, I either have to find it or buy a new one.

I'm super tired now, though. I'm sunburned from the beach and straight up sick of school. I still haven't written Berb's essay that was due yesterday, and I don't know if I ever will. I honestly don't give a shit at this point. I have at least a B if not an A, so I'm not too worried. The eye doctor told me I'm nearsighted today. Go figure, all the reading I do. Who needs to see street signs anyways?