9 posts from May 2008

I have the ability to be completely infuriated with my school and yet too lax to really care whatsoever. It's kind of like superheated water. The temperature is enough to boil, but it just sits there smooth and innocent looking, because there's no friction in the container to allow the bubbles to form for it to boil.

I might not get to graduate, because I might end up losing credit in Berb's class for all my truancies. Something inside me said I should maybe feel a bit panicked, or worried, but I just kind of laughed. I mean, kids who got straight Ds and drank themselves drooling dumb every week end get to graduate, but a goody-two-shoes girl has to go to summer school because her fucked up school system is jinking her credits because her parents can never manage to call her in sick when she is? It's ridiculous. All I can do is laugh. It might be kind of fun to go to graduation just to watch, just to see how people react when I'm sitting with the audience and not wearing the hideous golden tablecloth my parents paid $30 for.

What's great is I had no idea. My mom showed me a paper saying I had three truancies, and the date was May 5th. I know I've skipped school since then, not including senior ditch day, and so it's not hard for me to believe that I've earned the five truancies to get to lose my credits. So, the attendance office has the time to call me down and say how I shouldn't leave without coming in and saying goodbye because it's such a big scary world out there I might die driving home and they might actually have to be responsible for something. I can totally understand how IMPORTANT that is, I mean especially compared to such unimportant things like whether I can graduate or whether I can go to college next year. So, of course, no need to call me down to the office to warn me about silly things like that.

On top of that, teachers are giving out homework still and I can't do it. I can't even bring myself to copy homework from other people anymore. It just doesn't matter to me anymore. Nothing does - but high school is definitely lower on the list. I know I should care, and I'm a little worried about how I really don't care, but nothing's going to change. If San Marin is going to be the one to pull the plug on my life and throw me for some forced changes, so be it. It has to happen sooner or later. Obviously I'm beyond self-improvement, so it's probably going to take some near-death experience to get me to give a shit at this point.

In happier news, Andre got two Robo dwarf hamsters today. They're are the stupidest, most adorable things you'll ever see. There's a fat one named Penny and a skinny one named Melly, who's completely obsessed with the wheel. She hasn't gotten off of it since we put her in the cage.

So this weekend was epic. Prom, then hanging out in the city, then Smash at Mica's house, then the beach.

Prom itself was.. eh. I just don't like things like that and I don't want to, either. Dancing is embarassing and mostly awkward on my part, and I'm glad I didn't now, on account of how many pictures Berb took of people dancing. I mean, I can dance for about ten seconds and then I run out of moves. The meals sucked and though the chocolate fountain was amazing it was so rich I about threw up after just one chocolate covered strawberry. I think the one thing I'll remember about prom was how cold it was. I'm walking around in a dress without socks or a jacket or anything, and it's freezing. Catching the taxi was death. I nearly got hypothermia.

The next morning we walked around Union Square and found this bitchin' jewelry store and this bitchin' natural soap store where I destroyed the sample body jelly they had because I thought you were supposed to take pieces off. Hahahaha it was really embarassing, but more funny than that. Then we went to Urban Outfitters and stared at amazing clothing I'll never own and then Mica and Aki and I went to Japan town and geeked it up and had an amazingly amazing lunch and dessert. I'm really bummed the manga cafe was closed though.

After that we bussed it home. The whole transportation part was surprisingly easy - usually it seems so stressful running around with ten miles of map in my hands and bus times and arguing about streets and transfers, but this time we just asked one person, jumped on that bus, got there and hung out, walked to the other bus stop, had the bus pull up practically moments later, got on, and arrived at home.

Mica always writes those posts about Smash, and I played it at her house and it was super fun. I was trying a bunch of these random characters because I didn't want to have a "girly" character like Mica was telling me about, but eventually I had to go back to good ol' Kirby. I freaking love Kirby. He's really easy to pwn people with, plus I'm just used to him. All of my childhood we played the N64 version, and Soy would always be Pikachu and I would always be Kirby. Good times...

The next day I went to the beach with Cheyanne and Sara for senior ditch day. It was awesome. We pigged out in the warm sand and then ran down and raced each other to find sand dollars. Cheyanne found like ten little ones but I found the only big one, so I think I won. She also found this awesome crab shell, but I accidentally crushed it with my hand when I was sitting on the blanket. It was really funny, but sad too, because it was so perfect and cool. I ran in the water until my feet hurt from the cold, and Cheyanne showed me how to catch these awesome little crab bug things that I never knew existed before. Then on the drive home we stopped and had a delicious meal at some random little restaurant and then we encountered all the intense traffic from the commuters being rerouted to the back roads because of that accident. It was freaky to see the usually empty streets turned into parking lots.

So yeah, fun weekend. I have a bunch of pictures I wanted to put up, but I can't find the charger for my camera, and because it's too retarded to charge off the computer, I either have to find it or buy a new one.

I'm super tired now, though. I'm sunburned from the beach and straight up sick of school. I still haven't written Berb's essay that was due yesterday, and I don't know if I ever will. I honestly don't give a shit at this point. I have at least a B if not an A, so I'm not too worried. The eye doctor told me I'm nearsighted today. Go figure, all the reading I do. Who needs to see street signs anyways?

The rain today was nice. The moment I mentioned it Ali said something about prom, but I could care less about prom, really. The only reason I get anxious is because of how much everyone else cares about it. I don't, personally, but as always I get more wound up by other people's opinions than by my own.  I just laid on my bed with the window open and read Wuthering Heights and listened to the rain and didn't think about dresses or shoes or make-up or hair. It felt soul-cleansing.

I'm going to jinx it, but I feel happy. Yesterday, I was sitting in my room watching House and Elliot called and said we should hang out and I said yes and we did. We took some pictures and explored scary places under bridges and wild places through overgrown trails and I think I enjoyed it more than I'll enjoy prom. People say fun and most humans think parties, big crowds, fast cars, extreme sports.. I mean, I like those things occasionally, but the most enjoyment come to me from those spontaneous, quiet little moments with maybe one or two people. I can't put into words the beauty of a moment of silence between friends, or the feeling of kinship knowing that we don't need an agenda or a plan to have a good day.

I know I said I'd like to do Japanese at COM over the summer, but I'm reconsidering. Really, I don't watch anime or read manga very much anymore, and because of that I've lost a lot of passion I had towards learning the language. Besides, it's not going to be all sugar and sunshine.. It's still a class, with studying and homework and tests, and I don't think I want to do that this summer. On top of that, I want to do things. I want to go on camping trips and visit family without having to worry about what I'll miss.

The biggest thing though, is I plan to get a job. I'm tired of bumming money off my parents and I figure if I'm going to do something with my free time I might as well be getting paid for it. :]

So I just watched the Preakness, and Big Brown won. He also won the Kentucky Derby, and both times it looked so easy for that horse. Unless he breaks his leg or something tragic, I think he'll become a triple crowner. The only horse I think could've challenged him was Eight Belles. She got second place and finished the race fine, but it was after she'd crossed the wire that she broke both of her front ankles. They euthanized her at the track. It's terrible, but when a horse breaks one leg it's hard enough to get them better. When they break two.. I can understand why they would just want to put her out of her pain now, especially after all the sadness with Barbaro and whatnot.

What's funny is while everyone wants Big Brown to be the triple crowner, I'm ready for an upset. I want the horse named after the teacher in Sleepy Hollow to charge up and take that upset win. I'm just morbid like that. I love the plot twist of it, like when a character dies in a show or when books don't have happily-ever-after endings. I couldn't tell you what it is. I'm just an evil person. Looking at me, I don't think anyone could guess how much being content bores me to tears. If you're going to feel something, whether it's good or bad, it's best felt at extremes. That's how I see it, anyways.

I'm dreading prom. I just want to get it over with. At this point, it's just become something I "have" to do, like a class. Sure, I was the one who chose to sign up for the class in the first place, but that doesn't mean I'm excited to take the finals. Plus, I know I'd feel worse if I didn't go, as much pain as preparing for prom is bringing me.

Today I got shoes. First I found a pair at Ross. Ali brought them over and they fit and were okay, but they were a bit too strappy. For some reason, the way certain straps are on high heels kind of grosses me out. I like shoes that look like friendly, pretty houses for my feet, not shoes that looks like some sort of torture device. These shoes looked nice though, and they were cheap, so I got them.

Then we were in Petaluma at Kmart, and Ali wandered into the shoe section. She seriously has a problem with this. Any store, any time, she'll go to the shoe section and put on all the weirdest shoes she can find. I happened to find a pair of heels that had practically the exact same front design as the ones I already had, but minus the back strap. The heel is a bit thicker and overall the shoe is a bit comfier and better. I got them too, and brought both pairs home to my mom.

Immediately she pointed out the ones with the straps around the heel and said those would be better, because I could dance in them more easily. I said I don't dance, and she acted like I just said I was impregnated by an alien and I'd like to keep the baby. You'd think after all the dances, homecomings, etc, that I haven't attended, she would have figured that out by now. I tried to explain that no one danced anymore, they just humped each other to the beat of music.

I'm not girly. I like my shoes flat and tough, I like to be outdoors, I like creepy things like spiders and snakes, and I don't like dancing. I don't like dressing up, doing make-up, doing hair, or talking about any of that.

Against Ali's opinion, against my mom's opinion, against the shoes I know people will admire more, I'm going to pick the clunky, comfortable ones. Why would I put myself through the pain of the other shoes? To look good when no one's looking? To feel good when I could care less what I look like? No, I'll be ugly and feel better, thanks.

Today was nice. I came home, laid around, went to the pool, took a cold shower, took a nap.. I've been dying for this kind of day forever. For something I didn't have fun doing, drama took a lot of my time. I have to remember not to get into anymore shitty classes or things like that in college. I'm such an idealist, I can look at any situation and imagine it better, so a lot of the time I forget to be real and look at it as it probably will be.
 
It's been so freaking hot lately.. It gives me tons of summer nostalgia, like the smell of sunscreen does. I want to go to the river and jump off cliffs with my cousins and drive through the redwood trees with the windows rolled down listening to the Talking Heads. I love those times more than anything. It's a big reason why I'm going to Humboldt, why I can get over the fact that I'm going to be the only straight-edge person up there, because I just love the area and the family I have there.

There's a few things I want to do over the summer. First and foremost, I want a job. I'm really not a heavy spender, but I hate asking my parents for money when I do need things. I'd rather spend my own money on my things than ask them for money at times.

Next, I'm going to take Jap at COM over the summer. I've had to wait like, a billion years to get the chance, but I finally get to. I need something to keep me off my ass and not sleeping in and turning into a couch potato. Hopefully it won't be too scary hard. I'm just interested in it for fun, really, I don't care too much about memorizing billions of characters.

On top of that, I'm hoping to lose some weight. It's important for me to stay focused. A lot of the time I'll start working on it, lose 5 pounds, feel accomplished and then get too high on my success and stop really trying.

Anyways, I can't sit in this room anymore. It's too hot. I can't handle this climate.

I really like my alone time. I love to sit in my car and just listen to music, or take long drives and just listen to music, or just go out and find some secluded place and sit there and listen to the wind. I love it because I don't do it for anyone but myself. It's different than going on the internet alone, or reading a book alone, because when I'm reading about characters or chatting or playing games, it's not really the same.

Today was the last day of the play. We strike the set tomorrow, and I'm glad. I don't really care for drama, and while I liked the musicals, I wasn't even very attached to those. After curtain call though, we were all just standing around and everyone was hugging and getting flowers.. I hate that time, and I usually make myself as busy as I can cleaning up so I can avoid the obvious lack of love for me in that crowd, but with drama there isn't much to do. Ryan came up to me after the show tonight and he gave me a hug, and it was so kind of him because it wasn't like one of those awkward crowd situations where he was kind of obligated to hug everyone.

I don't know if it was completely random or if he knew I was feeling down, but it was still nice. It's kind of frustrating how it's so easy for me to lie nowadays. I mean, sometimes when I'm lying about something funny I can't help but smile, but when it comes to my thoughts and my feelings I feel like the biggest faker in the world. Yeah, yeah, the world doesn't revolve around me, but I wish I could at least feel like I actually had my feet on this world. Sometimes I just feel like a ghost. I don't stand out, I don't make an impression, people don't know who I am. I never really get compliments.

In the end, it's always just me. I can't see myself having a life where I have lots of solid friends, or a family. The only thing I can see for sure being in the future is me, with my hobbies, and my thoughts. At least I'm the kind of person who can do okay on only that much.

I'm getting myself really depressed now. I'm just gonna go to bed. Screw school tomorrow, seriously.

Okay, so I just finished the Host. And I just have to talk about it. So, don't read it if you don't want to be spoiled. But come back and read this post when you have read the book, because I want to talk to somebody about it!

(Highlight to read.)

Overall, it was amazing. I ate this book up so quickly. I was getting pretty close to saying it was better than the Twilight series, and then I read the ending.



I loved the interactions between Wanderer and Melanie. Melanie's side of things is what really drew me in, and in the beginning I lived for the little excerpts of her memory that Wanderer experienced. Then I grew to love Wanderer as I realized that she was a really deep character, and I love how they called her Wanda. Jeb is hilarious, and Meyer made a Jared fan out of me right from the beginning.



Ian frustrates me, a lot. I sort of started to like him towards the middle of the book, when he was only acting as Wanda's bodyguard and not some super-obsessed fanboy. In the middle he was kind of the voice of reason, and he seemed really smart and real and cool. Then his love for Wanda began to emerge, and as it did I saw a more shallow side to him that kind of washed away my old good thoughts of him. Ian is a big reason why I didn't like the ending. I mean, the two biggest relationships for me were Wanda and Jared and Melanie and Jared. I loved how they fought over him, and Wanda was kissing Jared one minute and then punching him in the face the next.. That was hilarious, despite it actually being a depressing scene.



I really had no idea that the book was going to have a sequel. I mean, I did have this huge hunch that Meyer was going to pull some magical trick at the end and go "WAIT, WANDA DOESN'T DIE BECA- Oh, see you in book two!" I was bawling when Wanda went out for the surgery. And what Doc said to her before she died.. Oh man, it was so sad. In a way, it was good, though. I mean, I had a little idea about Wanda getting put into some other body, but I didn't think that had to mean a sequel.



When Wanda realized Ian was the burning magma to her life or whatever it was, I was kind of disappointed. I mean, I really liked Jared. I still do. He not only seems to be a better-developed character, but Meyer just gave him much more appeal. She's either being really stupid about it, or she's doing it intentionally, kind of how she made Jacob a bit mean in Twilight so that the reader didn't like him so much that Edward paled in comparison. Ian's a nice guy, and I really tried to like him.. but who am I fooling, I don't like him.



I didn't like Wanda in her new body, either. I liked her in the tough, strong body. Her determination at the end, when she decided to die to let Melanie live, was really impressive and I gained a ton of respect for her character at that point. It didn't seem to carry over to that new body, though. And I miss Melanie as Wanda's conscience, as much as it pained me to see such a vibrant character like Melanie crammed in the back of Wanda's head.



However, the very very ending did give me some hope. Especially meeting the other "soul gone native." And he was from the Fire world - ohhh my goodness I have some scary feelings about this character. I swear, right away when Meyer mentioned just his silhouette, I totally knew.



I have high hopes for the next book. If Meyer knows what she's doing, she'll bring back the elements she abandoned at the end of the Host - the relationship between Wanda and Jared more specifically, and Melanie's presence in it all. I can see Ian going crazy or doing something really bad and impulsive. I mean, he is Kyle's brother. If Meyer pulls another New Moon on us with Jared I'm going to flip a bitch.



With that ending, though, there has to be a sequel.

I don't know what it is, but I haven't been in the mood to post lately. It's kind of like how a lot of writers wish they had a terrible, angsty childhood because it would better their writing. There just isn't a whole lot of inspiration towards writing pages and pages about how happy someone is.

Today I took the Entry Level Mathematics test. It was ridiculously easy, but what was weird was seeing all of these people who were my age but I didn't know. I'm so used to seeing the same faces every day, then I'm thrown into a room where I know no one and yet there are many potential friends here (I saw one guy in a Humboldt shirt) and it's just.. strange. Everyone seemed unsure of how to act, except for one blond idiot in the back who talked about how he fell off the top of a golf cart. It's like, we're stuck in our teenage mindsets, but most of us are smart enough to know how to be mature, so we don't really know how to act. Do we keep up that judgmental barrier, or are we friendly and try to talk to others?

I know that there's always been more people than those at San Marin, but it was really refreshing to see physical proof that there are still people I haven't met. What's funny is a lot of people came with their parents. I was the only person I saw who drove myself, and it made me feel good. The test itself was pretty easy. There were a few I couldn't figure out and just guessed, but it wasn't extremely stressful. However, I did so much math in my head that the rest of the day I've been seeing equations. I can still remember the numbers I multiplied and all the long division I had to do by hand (no calculators).. It's freaky.

Other than that, things have been going well. I wake up at 6am everyday nowadays and it really makes a day good. Sleeping in leaves me so lazy and heavy and unmotivated for the whole day, but getting up not only gives me extra time, but I tend to sleep better and am motivated to get shit done. I think waking up with the sun and not after it catalyzes a lot of good energy for me. Plus I can't help but love it when I call someone and accidentally wake them up and then think wow, while you were sleeping I had breakfast, took a shower, cleaned my room and watched some TV.