Today was great. I "skipped" first period this morning and slept in, and then when I got to school, lo and behold I actually didn't miss first period, but I still got the extra sleep and the homework done, too. I have to say, pleasant things are much better as surprises. If any of you plan on giving me something ever, keep that in mind!
It's strange how one positive thing can sort of tinge an entire day with this bubbly, good feeling. I got things done because I wanted to and I didn't focus on the things that were bad or that I didn't do. I find that all days are really quite alike in the amount of good and bad things that happen, and there's only such thing as a good or bad day based on what you focus on.
On another topic, I kind of realized today that I'm not mean or nice. I'm just sort of.. the other side of things. If I'm hanging out with someone who's constantly talking shit or just being an asshole, I find I generally feel like sticking up for the underdog and showing this person that well, there are a few good things about her. Then when I'm with people who are positive and happy, I tend to always want to point out the sad realities they seem to be blinded too. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to make decisions or really care that strongly about my opinions - I can see both sides very clearly.
Anyways, good day. They always come by surprise. It seems that things in life can't take very much focus and expectation - or else they give in and just go sour.
Every time I get a day off, I don't get anything done. It's kind of weird. I bitch and moan about how much more I would do if I had the time, but when it comes down to it more time never equals more productive activity. So I've decided the best thing I can do is to keep myself busy. Somehow on those especially long days with school and tech, the motivation to get through it seems to carry over enough for me to actually do homework and cleaning and other strange things. Not to mention it makes me value the little down time I did get a lot more.
I want to get a job. Key word: want. I don't necessarily need one to survive at this point, and so I'm a bit lazy on actually getting one. However, I have the time and it wouldn't hurt to start saving up now if I'm thinking about studying abroad in college later.
This summer, I'd like to take classes at COM. I recently have been looking into Philosophy as a major, and it sounds perfect for me. There's no one career I'd be limited to, and it leaves me a lot of options for graduate school. Not to mention I'm big on thinking in theories and talking in circles anyways - you don't have to look far to find a post where I can talk about just ideas for miles and miles. It's interesting to me, and I don't find it necessary to see the cold hard results in real life to understand and enjoy a topic.
I also want to take a class in Astronomy, because it's very interesting to me but I find it's a bit hard to self-teach. The only constellation I've been able to really get down so far is Orion, and the path of the sun and planets, and finding North. What's peculiar is that the classes sync perfectly. Philosophy is 8 to 10:15, and Astronomy is 10:30 to 2. Gotta love what the universe does when you really want something.
It'd be awesome if those credits could go towards my degree at Humboldt, too. Assuming I could put Astronomy as an elective or something, that'd mean I could allow myself a freshman year taking only 3 classes. Then again, that might be against the rules or something... They probably have a minimum credit requirement for enrolled students.
Anyways, that's just me thinking out loud. Which I do a lot, especially when I'm at home. And then I'll be telling myself some story or reminder, and I turn the corner and one of my brother's friends will be sitting there with a total 'wtf' look on his face. My life..
Today I was doing a little light research on studying abroad in college, because I'm sick of never having been anywhere before and I want to really know that when I'm choosing to live in California or even in the US for that matter, that it's really the place for me. (Since there's no way in hell I could remember enough to go to France, it'd probably be somewhere like Australia.. or the UK, or other English-speakling countries. Just in case you were wondering.)
So I found this list, and I had to share it because it's so retarded I lol'd - literally. Look at #9.
- Travel while earning college credits!
- Try new foods.
- Learn a new language, or put a second language to use.
- Experience first hand different cultures and customs.
- Increase personal confidence/pride-in-self by surviving in a different environment.
- Looks good on a resume.
- Become more independent.
- Improve communication skills.
- Gain a higher appreciation for the United States.
- Become more ready for the ever-increasingly globalized business world.
Like going to other countries is going to make you realize how much they all suck because obviously the United States of America is TEH BEST CUNTRY EVAR.
Yeah, and according to Firefox, globalized isn't even a word either.
Today my mom was saying Boomer's not smart anymore because he doesn't hunt mice as much. "Just because he's lazy doesn't mean he's stupid, Mom," I said. The smartest people in the world can also be the laziest people in the world, because they're clever enough to know how to get by without hardly any effort.
"Yeah, but he's not sharp anymore. He used to be so sharp," she said.
And that got me thinking. I mean, if I was Boomer, I'd get tired of bringing home kills every night when all we did was throw it over the fence afterwards. And even if we did, for some reason, enjoy the many dead rodents and birds on our back porch, is that enough to remain an inspired hunter?
The world moves so fast. Everything is about due dates and getting stuff done, and we're all trying to work harder and faster and be more efficient and better and sharper. But why? What good is that at all? Everyone has this list of things they 'have' to do, and it's all connected. Have to get to school on time, have to get that A in math, have to get into that college, have to get that Masters degree, have to get that job, that spouse, that house, that family. But WHY? What the hell is the god damned difference if I get my degree when I'm twenty than when I'm thirty? Why are we rushing rushing rushing to get all these things done that you "have" to?
To get the most amount of "things I've done" on your stupid list of life when it's all over? Is that the fucking purpose of life? I'll shoot myself if that's all it's about - having more stuff and meaningless accomplishments than your neighbor. It's this big, stupid pointless race. Is anyone in it because they want to be? I mean really, really want to be? There's a difference between wanting the trophy at the end and wanting to run a race.
So maybe there are people out there who enjoy things at a faster rate. People who run for the race, but they break records every time. And so what do the people who can't keep up do? What happens when you can't qualify for any of the races you want to run now because of these sprinters? What happens is people lose passion. They can't do what they love, and so what do they do instead? They stop feeling and they start thinking. They do what they think they "have" to, instead of doing what they know they want to.
I don't want to live in this world anymore. It feels like I'm running a race, but I don't want to. I feel like I have to win that god damn medal at the end to do what I want. But I'm not running, I'm being dragged, kicking and screaming, by my other half, the one who cares what people think of me and cringes when I get another bad mark on a test. I think that other half of me is dying. The real me is winning. I stopped caring. Bio, math, english, just fuck it. I do what I want. I'm sick and tired of living for tomorrow - I'm going to live for today and the rest of the world can fuck themselves.
How old is your soul?
I mean, if you believe in that kind of thing. I think when people hear the word soul, they assume it's got to be something to do with God and religiousness and so they turn a blind ear. For a long time I was stuck in the same mindset, the whole "God is imaginary" bit, but then I learned that people are stupid to say that - they're putting themselves on the same level as the blindly devoted Christians they so despise (not saying all Christians are blindly devoted). To say that something that hasn't been proven is true just makes you look like a fucking idiot - and this goes both for belief in God and disbelief in God. It hasn't been proven, but it hasn't been disproved either. This isn't like a court case, "innocent until proven guilty," because it doesn't start one way and then need to go the other. We all start in the middle, and the people who believe anything 100% without proof are idiots. Now, a lot of people who have faith or don't aren't idiots, but they're the people who believe because they choose to, not because they "know" it's absolutely correct and everyone else is a barnacle head for not thinking this way too.
Anyways, we're gonna let that white rabbit go. When I was stuck in thinking "God is imaginary" and that I'm completely right, I threw out the whole idea that there could be anything more than a bunch of nerve connections in my head creating me. I've kind of realized though, that I'm more than that. It's impossible to try and visualize the whole of me and my head and my billion thoughts and wants and opinions into just an interaction between blood and muscle and skin and hormones and whatnot. It can't be that simple.
You can call it whatever you like: your subconscious, your conscience, the little guy on your shoulder, your soul, whatever. It's something that's a part of you that's greater than the numbers and lines in your science book.
Some people have souls that are "younger," in a sense. They just live and don't think about it so much. But it seems like the older a soul is, the less you can do that. Life just isn't that simple. With one decision, you can indirectly touch a million people, and I think old souls realize this. A lot that he wrote about old souls really reminded me of myself, too. I always joke about how I'm such a grandma, but what's funny is a lot of the stuff I joke about isn't far from truth. I drive slow and I'm cautious, but at the same time I often feel my understanding of things is a lot more complex than the understanding of those who jump right in and just do it.
At the end of a full life comes the time of old age. Much that can be said about an Old soul is what would be said about an old person. Usually old people have traveled to many places and done many things. They are a storehouse of wisdom and understanding because of this range of experience. But in spite of their competence they do not usually accomplish very much. Because of the age of the body, there is often a tiredness about them that prevents much expenditure of effort. They are quieter than younger people, have a more relaxed lifestyle, and are more subdued in their manner of expression. They have mellowed out considerably compared to their younger days. The energy and excitement of youth is mostly gone. It is very similar with Old souls. They have access through the subconscious to a great wealth of experience. Often they become teachers to pass this knowledge and wisdom on, but to a limited number of students — there is little desire or effort to release their understanding into the world in general. In fact, in the last Levels, some Old souls can be so world-weary that they are ready to just lay down and die.
I want to cry and kill someone at the same time. And of course I'm getting this much emotion because of a television show, folks. Freaking Doctor Who, that's what. AARHRHGHJFGHIUDRHGIJKLFJGOPRKFL;SDMFPOSEJFLK. I don't understand why they need to change the doctor's companion! Ahhhhahaaa whyyy.. Rose and the Doctor. It was like TRUE LOVE.
Fuck. God damn TV shows. I'm hearing British accents in my head now, and I'm kind of thinking in a British accent too. Whhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy did it have to go that way...
It's not even the kind of sad ending where it's still kind of good in a way because that's the end. No, the series goes on folks, and I love the Doctor and all but my favorite part was seeing their chemistry and interactions and stuff. Even in the wackiest sci-fi shows, that's what makes it awesome for me. The relationships between the characters.
Excuse me while I go kill myself now.
I'm often called lazy. No one's surprised when I show up late and forget things. I hate being called lazy. For one thing, any flaw I might have I can assure you I've thought about a million times. Don't talk to me like you're teaching me something about myself. I guarantee any insult you might have for me I've thought about plenty, and probably beat myself up over it way more than you could imagine. Sure, sometimes when someone points out a flaw I'll realize it's more disliked by others than I thought and so I'll refocus, but it's never really new to me.
Anyways, my real point is that I don't think I'm what you would consider lazy. Whether I'm over-elaborating or just trying to avoid the sad truth is your opinion. I'm a perfectionist. I worry over the littlest details, and with everything I do I work it, rework it, then have to start all over again because it's not perfect. Because of this, I often delay starting things too, because I worry and I doubt about my skill to make it absolutely perfect. I can't just sit down and write an essay without serious need or crazy pills. I can't settle, because I know if I make the wrong choice I'm going to have to come back and redo it, because I'm just that crazy.
For instance, my dad and I recently threw the rest of the pond together. We filled it up and put rocks around and it looked okay. Everyone was satisfied with it, and my dad told me we should go buy fish and la de da all finished. I tried to settle and accept it, but I couldn't. So today I drained it mostly, pushed the rocks back, pulled up the liner, broke out the shovel and dug like a man through the clay. (I found a millipede too. He was awesome.) Then I put it back and filled it up again, and while now the border matches all the way around, the water quality is bothering me. Even the shape is pissing me off, but a little part of me doesn't care that much, just because I know I'll only get to appreciate it for a few more months then I'm out of here forever.
I only have two settings: all or nothing. I've learned to compromise in areas that require it like school, because when it comes down to it, I'll get the things I absolutely have to done. If I clean my room, I have to do it 100%. That means laundry, in the closet, the desk, the bookshelf, dust everywhere, the fish tank, vacuum.. Everything. It's tiring though, so I usually avoid having to use my 'all' setting, which results in me appearing messy and lazy.
More and more lately I've found it hard to get into my 'all' setting. I had my bit with the pond, and a slight explosion of it with school, but in most of my life I just don't care enough. I'm not going to invest my 100% time and energy into something I don't feel passionate about. And thanks to my lack of passion this year, I'm getting less and less done. There's no way to force myself into wanting a life here, because I can see further than that and I have my sights set on college. Since I'm not putting my energy into my life here, I'm not really getting anything back, and the lack of feedback from school, family, and friends is only further encouraging my disinterest in Novato. It's a vicious cycle.
Today I went on a photo shoot in O'hair park. It was kind of strange and I have a feeling all these pictures are going to suck, but I have four rolls of film to show for it so who am I to complain. I can never get out to do shoots, but once I'm out with my camera I love it. It was funny, because when I went with Zach and Elliot they snapped two pictures and were done. I could have stayed for hours and taken pictures of each little detail.
I was mulling through the internet today and I found this:
http://www.cockeyed.com/photos/bodies/heightweight.shtml
It's a photographic height-weight thing. It's really interesting to see. I never realized how much heavier guys naturally are than girls. Plus looking at mine, it made me feel a lot better about myself too. Then I got really motivated and researched all this exercise information and now I'm determined to lose 2 pounds a week.
Usually these weight-loss attempts of mine never get very far, but this one actually makes sense to me so I think I can do it. I just have to stay interested. I think so long as I actually lose the expected 2 pounds each week, I can stay motivated to follow through. 15 pounds sounds like a lot, but I was trying to think of it in other ways, and it's not that big of a number. Like, imagine having only 15 people show up to see a musical. That's nothing! It's not such a scary number if you think about it that way.
I like it when I'm in "this" mood. Where I'm motivated and on top of things and interested and lively and just enjoying life and not feeling so self-conscious and moody. I kind of go through phases. I don't know if it's hormones or sleep or what. I'll go through a few days where I just can't do anything, homework, exercise, talk to people, nothing.. and I'll just go home and bitch and whine and sleep and not get anything done. And then I'll get inspired or have a random change of fate and my mood will get back up and I'll be able to actually function again.
Oh, except I forgot to catch up in Pride and Prejudice. Whatever. I doubt anyone else in my class has either. I love the book, but I hate being forced to do anything. It just makes it seem so much less appealing.
So I've been thinking again. Me and my silly brain, I know.
And really, I don't think what most people call beautiful is true blue beauty. I mean, you look at a picture of a waterfall or a cherry blossom tree in the wind and you think that yes, that's beautiful, but it's such a shallow feeling. You see the tree for its pretty petals and you appreciate it for that, but you forget the rest of it. You forget the roots yards deep into the ground, you forget that the flowers will later become a small, insignificant drupe, you forget the birds that might have nested in that tree and the people who've had to rake up all its petals and leaves. You forget that it's a living thing, surviving in a world where movement is generally a vital survival aspect.
I don't think real beauty is the kind you can see. You just kind of feel it. And I think real beauty is a shy essence, and that it takes a lot to really bring the real beauty of something out into the open so you can appreciate it. It's like in photography, you can take a picture of a Sakura tree and the springtime petals might dazzle, but you're missing its real beauty. It's difficult to find just the right angle, just the right distance from something to really show that deeper bit. And that's with a tree - imagine trying to capture that in a person. I have a real admiration of people who can photograph humankind well. It's not just point and click.
Today we were talking about prom in Econ and I actually started to get a little excited. Cheyenne is so organized and on that shit, it's amazing. In the beginning I was apprehensive about not being able to enjoy myself because I won't have a date, but it's not really that bad now that I think about it. I'm just going to have a good time anyways. Fuck guys, just fuck guys, let's just dance! (Dane Cook reference. I actually hate dancing.)
After school I went on a photo shoot with Elliot and Zach, and it was cool. We took the back roads to Petaluma and after I dropped them off at fencing I drove back through the back roads by myself and it was really relaxing. I love driving. Especially on curvy roads through the hills and forests. There's nothing better.
The musical's over. I may never do a musical again. At the moment I'm just glad to have my life back, but it's depressing at the same time. Even for a distant person like me, it really does feel like family with those people after a while.
Everyone cried after the flowers were passed out and it was the most emotional cast party I've ever seen. In the time it took me to push from one side of the crowd to another, I went from dry-eyed and kind of weirded out by everyone being so sad, to coming up to Phoebe bawling like a baby saying, "I just wanted to get to the other side of the room!" I think what did it for me had to be Chris. It was impossible NOT to cry just looking at him once.
I'm really tired and dreading tomorrow. I didn't do the bio worksheets I needed to, and I am not going back to that class until they're done. I may just ditch 4th and 5th period and go to the library and work on stuff. It actually sounds like a great idea. Yay for a 3-class day. Who cares about truancies? :D
PS. I FINALLY found my camera cord.. So expect visual delights soon.
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