Heatherly

So I just watched the Preakness, and Big Brown won. He also won the Kentucky Derby, and both times it looked so easy for that horse. Unless he breaks his leg or something tragic, I think he'll become a triple crowner. The only horse I think could've challenged him was Eight Belles. She got second place and finished the race fine, but it was after she'd crossed the wire that she broke both of her front ankles. They euthanized her at the track. It's terrible, but when a horse breaks one leg it's hard enough to get them better. When they break two.. I can understand why they would just want to put her out of her pain now, especially after all the sadness with Barbaro and whatnot.

What's funny is while everyone wants Big Brown to be the triple crowner, I'm ready for an upset. I want the horse named after the teacher in Sleepy Hollow to charge up and take that upset win. I'm just morbid like that. I love the plot twist of it, like when a character dies in a show or when books don't have happily-ever-after endings. I couldn't tell you what it is. I'm just an evil person. Looking at me, I don't think anyone could guess how much being content bores me to tears. If you're going to feel something, whether it's good or bad, it's best felt at extremes. That's how I see it, anyways.

I'm dreading prom. I just want to get it over with. At this point, it's just become something I "have" to do, like a class. Sure, I was the one who chose to sign up for the class in the first place, but that doesn't mean I'm excited to take the finals. Plus, I know I'd feel worse if I didn't go, as much pain as preparing for prom is bringing me.

Today I got shoes. First I found a pair at Ross. Ali brought them over and they fit and were okay, but they were a bit too strappy. For some reason, the way certain straps are on high heels kind of grosses me out. I like shoes that look like friendly, pretty houses for my feet, not shoes that looks like some sort of torture device. These shoes looked nice though, and they were cheap, so I got them.

Then we were in Petaluma at Kmart, and Ali wandered into the shoe section. She seriously has a problem with this. Any store, any time, she'll go to the shoe section and put on all the weirdest shoes she can find. I happened to find a pair of heels that had practically the exact same front design as the ones I already had, but minus the back strap. The heel is a bit thicker and overall the shoe is a bit comfier and better. I got them too, and brought both pairs home to my mom.

Immediately she pointed out the ones with the straps around the heel and said those would be better, because I could dance in them more easily. I said I don't dance, and she acted like I just said I was impregnated by an alien and I'd like to keep the baby. You'd think after all the dances, homecomings, etc, that I haven't attended, she would have figured that out by now. I tried to explain that no one danced anymore, they just humped each other to the beat of music.

I'm not girly. I like my shoes flat and tough, I like to be outdoors, I like creepy things like spiders and snakes, and I don't like dancing. I don't like dressing up, doing make-up, doing hair, or talking about any of that.

Against Ali's opinion, against my mom's opinion, against the shoes I know people will admire more, I'm going to pick the clunky, comfortable ones. Why would I put myself through the pain of the other shoes? To look good when no one's looking? To feel good when I could care less what I look like? No, I'll be ugly and feel better, thanks.

Today was nice. I came home, laid around, went to the pool, took a cold shower, took a nap.. I've been dying for this kind of day forever. For something I didn't have fun doing, drama took a lot of my time. I have to remember not to get into anymore shitty classes or things like that in college. I'm such an idealist, I can look at any situation and imagine it better, so a lot of the time I forget to be real and look at it as it probably will be.
 
It's been so freaking hot lately.. It gives me tons of summer nostalgia, like the smell of sunscreen does. I want to go to the river and jump off cliffs with my cousins and drive through the redwood trees with the windows rolled down listening to the Talking Heads. I love those times more than anything. It's a big reason why I'm going to Humboldt, why I can get over the fact that I'm going to be the only straight-edge person up there, because I just love the area and the family I have there.

There's a few things I want to do over the summer. First and foremost, I want a job. I'm really not a heavy spender, but I hate asking my parents for money when I do need things. I'd rather spend my own money on my things than ask them for money at times.

Next, I'm going to take Jap at COM over the summer. I've had to wait like, a billion years to get the chance, but I finally get to. I need something to keep me off my ass and not sleeping in and turning into a couch potato. Hopefully it won't be too scary hard. I'm just interested in it for fun, really, I don't care too much about memorizing billions of characters.

On top of that, I'm hoping to lose some weight. It's important for me to stay focused. A lot of the time I'll start working on it, lose 5 pounds, feel accomplished and then get too high on my success and stop really trying.

Anyways, I can't sit in this room anymore. It's too hot. I can't handle this climate.

I really like my alone time. I love to sit in my car and just listen to music, or take long drives and just listen to music, or just go out and find some secluded place and sit there and listen to the wind. I love it because I don't do it for anyone but myself. It's different than going on the internet alone, or reading a book alone, because when I'm reading about characters or chatting or playing games, it's not really the same.

Today was the last day of the play. We strike the set tomorrow, and I'm glad. I don't really care for drama, and while I liked the musicals, I wasn't even very attached to those. After curtain call though, we were all just standing around and everyone was hugging and getting flowers.. I hate that time, and I usually make myself as busy as I can cleaning up so I can avoid the obvious lack of love for me in that crowd, but with drama there isn't much to do. Ryan came up to me after the show tonight and he gave me a hug, and it was so kind of him because it wasn't like one of those awkward crowd situations where he was kind of obligated to hug everyone.

I don't know if it was completely random or if he knew I was feeling down, but it was still nice. It's kind of frustrating how it's so easy for me to lie nowadays. I mean, sometimes when I'm lying about something funny I can't help but smile, but when it comes to my thoughts and my feelings I feel like the biggest faker in the world. Yeah, yeah, the world doesn't revolve around me, but I wish I could at least feel like I actually had my feet on this world. Sometimes I just feel like a ghost. I don't stand out, I don't make an impression, people don't know who I am. I never really get compliments.

In the end, it's always just me. I can't see myself having a life where I have lots of solid friends, or a family. The only thing I can see for sure being in the future is me, with my hobbies, and my thoughts. At least I'm the kind of person who can do okay on only that much.

I'm getting myself really depressed now. I'm just gonna go to bed. Screw school tomorrow, seriously.

Okay, so I just finished the Host. And I just have to talk about it. So, don't read it if you don't want to be spoiled. But come back and read this post when you have read the book, because I want to talk to somebody about it!

(Highlight to read.)

Overall, it was amazing. I ate this book up so quickly. I was getting pretty close to saying it was better than the Twilight series, and then I read the ending.



I loved the interactions between Wanderer and Melanie. Melanie's side of things is what really drew me in, and in the beginning I lived for the little excerpts of her memory that Wanderer experienced. Then I grew to love Wanderer as I realized that she was a really deep character, and I love how they called her Wanda. Jeb is hilarious, and Meyer made a Jared fan out of me right from the beginning.



Ian frustrates me, a lot. I sort of started to like him towards the middle of the book, when he was only acting as Wanda's bodyguard and not some super-obsessed fanboy. In the middle he was kind of the voice of reason, and he seemed really smart and real and cool. Then his love for Wanda began to emerge, and as it did I saw a more shallow side to him that kind of washed away my old good thoughts of him. Ian is a big reason why I didn't like the ending. I mean, the two biggest relationships for me were Wanda and Jared and Melanie and Jared. I loved how they fought over him, and Wanda was kissing Jared one minute and then punching him in the face the next.. That was hilarious, despite it actually being a depressing scene.



I really had no idea that the book was going to have a sequel. I mean, I did have this huge hunch that Meyer was going to pull some magical trick at the end and go "WAIT, WANDA DOESN'T DIE BECA- Oh, see you in book two!" I was bawling when Wanda went out for the surgery. And what Doc said to her before she died.. Oh man, it was so sad. In a way, it was good, though. I mean, I had a little idea about Wanda getting put into some other body, but I didn't think that had to mean a sequel.



When Wanda realized Ian was the burning magma to her life or whatever it was, I was kind of disappointed. I mean, I really liked Jared. I still do. He not only seems to be a better-developed character, but Meyer just gave him much more appeal. She's either being really stupid about it, or she's doing it intentionally, kind of how she made Jacob a bit mean in Twilight so that the reader didn't like him so much that Edward paled in comparison. Ian's a nice guy, and I really tried to like him.. but who am I fooling, I don't like him.



I didn't like Wanda in her new body, either. I liked her in the tough, strong body. Her determination at the end, when she decided to die to let Melanie live, was really impressive and I gained a ton of respect for her character at that point. It didn't seem to carry over to that new body, though. And I miss Melanie as Wanda's conscience, as much as it pained me to see such a vibrant character like Melanie crammed in the back of Wanda's head.



However, the very very ending did give me some hope. Especially meeting the other "soul gone native." And he was from the Fire world - ohhh my goodness I have some scary feelings about this character. I swear, right away when Meyer mentioned just his silhouette, I totally knew.



I have high hopes for the next book. If Meyer knows what she's doing, she'll bring back the elements she abandoned at the end of the Host - the relationship between Wanda and Jared more specifically, and Melanie's presence in it all. I can see Ian going crazy or doing something really bad and impulsive. I mean, he is Kyle's brother. If Meyer pulls another New Moon on us with Jared I'm going to flip a bitch.



With that ending, though, there has to be a sequel.

I don't know what it is, but I haven't been in the mood to post lately. It's kind of like how a lot of writers wish they had a terrible, angsty childhood because it would better their writing. There just isn't a whole lot of inspiration towards writing pages and pages about how happy someone is.

Today I took the Entry Level Mathematics test. It was ridiculously easy, but what was weird was seeing all of these people who were my age but I didn't know. I'm so used to seeing the same faces every day, then I'm thrown into a room where I know no one and yet there are many potential friends here (I saw one guy in a Humboldt shirt) and it's just.. strange. Everyone seemed unsure of how to act, except for one blond idiot in the back who talked about how he fell off the top of a golf cart. It's like, we're stuck in our teenage mindsets, but most of us are smart enough to know how to be mature, so we don't really know how to act. Do we keep up that judgmental barrier, or are we friendly and try to talk to others?

I know that there's always been more people than those at San Marin, but it was really refreshing to see physical proof that there are still people I haven't met. What's funny is a lot of people came with their parents. I was the only person I saw who drove myself, and it made me feel good. The test itself was pretty easy. There were a few I couldn't figure out and just guessed, but it wasn't extremely stressful. However, I did so much math in my head that the rest of the day I've been seeing equations. I can still remember the numbers I multiplied and all the long division I had to do by hand (no calculators).. It's freaky.

Other than that, things have been going well. I wake up at 6am everyday nowadays and it really makes a day good. Sleeping in leaves me so lazy and heavy and unmotivated for the whole day, but getting up not only gives me extra time, but I tend to sleep better and am motivated to get shit done. I think waking up with the sun and not after it catalyzes a lot of good energy for me. Plus I can't help but love it when I call someone and accidentally wake them up and then think wow, while you were sleeping I had breakfast, took a shower, cleaned my room and watched some TV.

Today I stuck around at lunch and hung out with Phoebe and Hannah and Jessie, and it was fun. I really don't hang out with people anymore, and I think I need to start or I'm going to forget how to have friends and end up like some weird, old cat lady with an overgrown garden. Though I think even with friends I'd like to have an overgrown garden. They're cooler than trimmed because plants shouldn't be organized, and they're much cooler than plain old dirt.

I've been going to the gym really regularly lately, and it's not so much a battle anymore. I just go. It's great not to care what people think. A lot of the time I go with hairy legs and it's great. Fuck society! Smooth legs are nice, but hairy legs aren't going to kill me. Hopefully I'll eventually have the strength to go on a run where I don't quit ten minutes in and just walk off the trail and sit by some creek and think deep thoughts. I tend to do that a lot when I run on trails alone. Then I feel bad because I wasted all this time and didn't actually exercise.

I think I take life way too seriously. Jessie always gets frustrated when she's telling me some story and I have to make some deep, meaningful comment about the nature of the world or something. It's sad though because I don't feel like I have enough of those kinds of conversations with people.

Anyways.. star testing is going to be awesome. We'll only have to be at school for like, three classes a day. The sleeping in part doesn't really appeal to me. I'm probably still going to get up at 6 everyday, because I hate waking up and feeling like half the day is already gone. Anton always talks about how he sleeps in until 1pm on the weekends like it's really hardcore to lay in your bed when the rest of the world is actually getting shit done. Yeah, you're really cool.

Today was nice. Drama tech was fun, and I got my moment of productivity in too, but being drama there was plenty of down time to catch up with people and eat breadsticks. Mrs K only got pepperoni pizza and so Jessie went and got some vegetarian food for us. The funny thing is I wasn't even especially hungry so it wasn't a big deal, but it still really irked me. Every now and then you'll run into people who really respect you for not eating meat, but most of the time it's a sour "indifference." Maybe non-veg people feel offended that I would go to say their way of living is wrong, maybe they just feel guilty, maybe they think I'm going to judge them like I see all non-vegetarians as blood-thirsty savages..

My biggest pet peeve is the assumptions people make just based off of the WORD. Vegetarian. The first thought it brings to people's minds is vegetables, and so the first question they ask is, "lol don't u liek get sick of vegetables?" UGH. What fucking planet do you live on, honestly? Some planet where the only choice for dinner is a steak or a celery stick? ...

For your information, vegetarians still eat milk and eggs, and cheese too! Mostly I eat things like bagels, pasta, sandwiches, cottage cheese, veggie burgers, tofu.. I love fruit, and cheez-its, and lots of other normal-people foods. Every now and then I'll bite a carrot, or I'll have some corn or green beans, but really the only vegetable I love and eat frequently are tomatoes. Delish. I'm actually still very unhealthy. Sure, I might be at less risk for heart problems because I don't get so much of that gross animal gunk in my veins, but I do still get it from dairy products and eggs. And the whole thing about people losing weight from being vegetarian is a bunch of bullshit. In fact, it's easy to gain more weight, because your food is often limited to high-carb things like pasta and bread.

I'd like to go vegan. But that's a big jump for me. Going vegetarian was ridiculously easy. It was practically easier than eating meat, because now I didn't have to get that guilty feeling every time I noticed some part of the meat to actually be a little bone or a leg or a wing or some other body part that used to be part of an animal. It's actually pretty easy to get vegetarian food, but being vegan means even a lot of the seemingly harmless foods become uneatable. Most bread, for example, has milk in it.. For taste, I guess, but really it's unnecessary. So I'm excited to go to Humboldt, because I think being there would be a good motivation for me and I'd get enough support there to not die of starvation.

If I wanted, I could have a date to prom. I was talking to Jessie today and she just couldn't imagine going without a date - even if she had to go with some strange, quiet boy. I know a few people I could've have asked and that might've said yes. There was one underclassmen who, when he heard I didn't have a date, said "I'd ask you if I could." And I was just like "Awh..............." Cue awkward silence. I just can't take things so lightly. This underclassman, he's a wonderful kid and I love him to death, but I don't really know him.

I just think it would be weird. I mean, why do I even deserve a date? Why the hell does anyone like me? It baffles me day to day when someone will out of the blue invites me somewhere. I really treat the people in my life like shit sometimes. I don't keep in touch, I forget to write thank you cards, and even when I really care about someone I'm too fucking scared to say anything about it. I used to really admire people who were "strong," which were basically emotionless, stone-people if you will.. but nowadays the people I really admire are the ones who cry in public, say what they feel, and fight for what they care about even if they look like the biggest idiots in the world doing it.

I'm really curious as to how I appear to other people. Once a few years ago someone told me I was intimidating, and I've never forgotten it. I'd rather be intimidating than just a shy loser, so I try to hold onto that one little comment and convince myself. Caitlin told me that before she knew me she thought I was going to be a weirdo. I was like uh, and how did meeting me disprove that at all?

Oh, okay, funny story.

Today I took allergy medicine before school, and when I got to English I was like about to die from how tired I was. I thought maybe it had to do with only getting 4 1/2 hours of sleep the night before, but even then I've never been this tired before. Like, I was sitting there trying really hard to listen to Berb because he was talking about AP test stuff, but I couldn't even keep my eyes open. It was really scary. Like, uncontrollable, almost.

So I came home early because on top of that I was really dizzy and didn't want to sit through a bunch of classes we weren't going to do anything in, and when I got home my mom said, "Dad says you've been staying up really late. If you can't get to sleep, you should just take some of those chewable allergy pills to help you sleep." I was like WHAT. THEY WERE NIGHT TIME. I should probably ask for help from someone who can actually read next time I overdose on children's medication, I think.

So yeah. I haven't really had a lot to post about.. I've sort of adopted my brother's neglected Gameboy Advance recently, because he's too cool for school and too cool to play Pokemon Emerald anymore. Seriously, fuck what people think. That game rocks. And having something to do during drama rehearsal is pretty awesome, too. ;D

Tomorrow I have my interview at the Marine Mammal Center. I'm nervous. Things like interviews freak me out because I'm really bad at thinking on the spot and people tend to assume a pause means that I'm trying to make up an answer when really I'm just trying to remember how to form a sentence.

For a lot of my interviews at Starbucks I was trying to be what they wanted, and I didn't like how that felt. So this time I'm going to just be honest. Besides, it's not like my life depends on this volunteer position at the MMC. If I don't get it - so what. There'll be many other chances for me to get a little experience of a biologist's career when I get to Humboldt.

My mom and Andre and I went to the beach to the other day, and on the way there she was saying that majoring in Philosophy was pointless and stupid. I read an article that proved a really good point about how it was the major for all jobs, but of course I lost it. So now I'm not so sure anymore. It's funny because every now and then someone will ask me, "What's your major gonna be?" and since I get so tired of saying that I don't know, I usually just blurt out the idea of the moment. Biology, philosophy, graphic design, you name it.

I seem to jump between stuff with computers/science, and stuff with writing/philosophy. The difference is that the sciences will actually give me that "purpose" I feel like I need. Writing.. not so much.